Uberman and I enjoyed a very nice kid-free weekend, thanks to my mom and dad. On a side note, I really don't know what we would do without our parents. They are so supportive and helpful to us when it comes to the kids. My mother in law and father in law watch Boo Monday through Thursday while I work and they pick the boys up from their summer recreation program at 2:30 everyday and keep them until I come pick all three of them up an hour or so later. Plus they occasionally watch them on a weekend night so Uberman and I can go out on a hot date. My parents live over an hour away, but every couple of months they volunteer to take the kids for a few days and it is bliss. Of course by the time the little monkeys come home we have missed them like crazy, but the mini-breaks are good for all of us.
So this weekend was no exception. My mom picked the kids up on Thursday afternoon, allowing me a free night to go see the Sex and the City Movie with a group of girlfriends. Friday evening Uberman and I ran a few errands and then had dinner at a new little neighborhood bar and grill by our house. Holy crap, can anyone say strong margarita? Wow! Saturday night we had dinner with The Maid and her fabulous, um, Butler.
Sunday morning I woke up early. The plan was to start working on my Dirty Little Secret as Coffee Bean calls them. It's that spot in your house that you would DIE if anyone saw or discovered. Mine is the office. It's atrocious. No really, there is a path from the door to the computer and that is it. The floor is covered with boxes of paperwork, scrapbooking and sewing supplies, books, fabric, papers to shred, toys and clothes I am sending to Goodwill, Christmas decorations I don't have room for in the closet, etc. It's a mess. It's not even a mess. It looks like the aftermath of a tornado. But I have set a date!! Yes, I am committing to having this room "show ready" by July 6th! Show ready means I will leave the door to this room open when people come over. Yes! No shame here! "Would you like to see my office?" These words might actually come out of my mouth. Instead of "No! If you open that door I SWEAR this friendship is OVER!!"
So I started working on the DLS, and boy did the paper shredder get a work out! I decided to call my mom and check on the monkeys. I knew as soon as she answered something was not right. And strangely enough, Friday night I had a bad dream about Boo. It bothered me all day Saturday. And I called to check on her a few times during the day but they were at the zoo and having a great time. So when she answered Sunday I asked what was wrong. Boo had been up all night throwing up. My parents had not had any sleep. Boo had finally gone back to sleep right before I called. My mom had not called me because she didn't want me to worry. She said she would call me back when Boo woke up. An hour later she called and I could hear Boo crying "I want mommy!"
Uberman and I got in the car to go get her. My dad drove her halfway to meet us. As soon as I opened the back door to get her she burst into tears. Oh people, I cannot tell you enough how much this broke my heart. My poor little baby, sad and sick and just wanting to be home. I stood there in a hot parking lot hugging her as tight as I could. And I cried. I cried like a baby. I felt so bad for her. You should have seen her. She's a tiny little thing anyway, four years old and barely 30 pounds. She has always been so petite. She was sitting there in her car seat with a towel on her lap in case she threw up again, wearing her purple Disney Princess night gown and holding her fluffy teddy bear. Dark circles under her big brown eyes and chin quivering. It was devastating.
I cried on the way home as she slept. I felt like the worst mother ever. I didn't know she was going to get sick. And she could have gotten sick at any time. But I just felt like I had let her down. Sending the kids away (even though they really wanted to go) so I could rejuvenate my batteries. I just felt so selfish. Which I realize now as I type this, tears again sliding down my cheeks, that I was being a little ridiculous and hard on myself. But the look on her face when I opened the door shattered my heart into a million pieces.
So I stayed home with her today. She's asleep on a chair in front of the Backyardigans, while I continue to sort through the Dirty Little Secret. I can actually see the top of my desk! The boys stayed at my mom and dad's and are having a great time. They will come home tomorrow.
Why didn't anyone tell me it would be this hard to be a mom? That I would question almost every decision I made? That I would constantly look back and see that I should have handled it better? We want so badly to protect them, to keep them safe and secure. Why is it that I can see only the times where I have failed and not all the times I have succeeded? And my kids are still young. I have the hardest years ahead of me. How am I going to do this? How am I going to get through this without becoming a raging alcoholic? Or a drooling idiot in the fetal position, rocking under the kitchen table?
Will I ever be able to look back on these years when my babies are gone and see that I did the best that I could? Will I always have regrets?
Will I ever feel confident that I made the right decisions for them?
I hope so. I really, really hope so.