Wednesday, June 11, 2008

For Your Thighs Only

Did y'all see this bit of tragic news?? My pretend celebrity boyfriend has been injured twice in the last two weeks on the set of his new 007 movie. Poor little pumpkin. Sacrificing his health and safety to entertain the masses. What a good Samaritan. Brad Pitt thinks he's all cool building eco-friendly houses in New Orleans. Whatever. I'll take Daniel and his little blue trunks making the world a prettier place any day.

So yeah, come November I will be sending my money to that charity by going to see his movie. I absolutely loved the last one. It was my first James Bond movie ever. Loved every second of it.

After I saw it I was telling my mom about it. She asked "What was it about?"

Uuuummmm. Hmmmm. Well, lets see. It was about this hot guy beating the crap out of someone in a bathroom and then he was rocking some tight cargo pants while chasing someone through a jungle. Then the best part, he was coming out of the ocean in these little swim trunks and mom, you should have seen his shoulders! Then he was wearing a tuxedo and playing cards, and then he's driving a gorgeous car and next thing you know he was naked in a chair!! I kind of blacked out a little after that, but then he's running through Venice and I think he was on a boat and all sad and I totally wanted to give him a hug. And then he's wearing a three piece suit and carrying a big gun and he goes "Bond, James Bond." And then it was over. It was - the Best. Movie. Ever.

Another friend asked me "Didn't you think the plot was a little old?" Uuumm, no. Wasn't aware of a plot at all. And we can't be friends anymore because duh, you don't know a cinematic masterpiece when you see one.

"Didn't you think the stunts were unrealistic?" Absolutely not! No way. I honestly believe with all my heart Daniel Craig has the capability to climb up a scaffolding and fight a bad guy while standing on a four inch wide steel frame five stories from the ground. He's James Freakin' Bond. He can do whatever he wants. Which includes fighting two bad guys simultaneously in a stair well, falling down several flights of stairs, and then returning to his card game in a clean shirt and no evidence of the cuts and scrapes he accumulated in the fight. I mean hello, you don't get promoted to double oh by being a pansy.

So I'm totally disappointed in the teaser poster for the new movie. Have you seen it?

As if the ridiculous title wasn't bad enough (Quantum of Solace?). Who decided this?? We are trying to sell this movie with a shadow?? What kind of marketing team came up with this dumb idea? If we are trying to reach a wider audience here, and when I say wider audience I mean important people like women and gay men, how about showing his ripped abs? At the very least his pretty face and gorgeous blue eyes. The shadow of his, um, big gun isn't doing it for me. The first thing that sparked my attention with Casino Royale was the poster. Yummy, blue eyed bad ass in a tuxedo coming out of a casino, mmm hmm. It looked like Ocean's 11, but with one hot guy, no Julia Roberts and less witty, bromance dialogue. Who doesn't want to see a movie like that?? And then I saw the preview with the little blue trunks. I turned to Uberman -"Yeah, that looks awesome." He raised an eyebrow. "Really? You'll see that with me?" Uh, heck yeah! But I've asked for the movie poster for Christmas for two years and haven't gotten it. What's up with that, Santa?

But I am totally thinking about auditioning for the next one. I mean why not? If the new Bond can be (gasp!) blond, why can't the Bond girl take voluptuous to a whole new level? Why can't she have a few spider veins and stretch marks? I think that would be a little more believable, don't you? If they are serious about reinventing the franchise, why not take a chance on someone a little more Bridget Jones than Brigitte Bardot? I even have a suggestion for a title, as you can see above.

I think I am on to something here.

"Ooooh, would we call her chubby?"
"I think there's a pretty sizable ass there, yes sir. Huge thighs."

*Props to you if you can name that movie.*


Caitlin said...

ZOMG!!1! Love Actually is ONLY my favorite movie of all time.

Love. It.

April said...

Seriously Caitlin. Freaking LOVE you!! Because love actually IS all around.

Becky said...

Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan were my all time fav bonds.


And I started to watch love actually on a PPV movie in a hotel room once and turned it off because it started off really raunchy. Did it get better?

The Maid
You can send me a Sean Connery shaken or stirred, and I will suck olives with him even though I don't drink martinis.

(Unless they are appletinis.)

Chris H said...

Yeah he's a neat James Bond alright.. I hated Pierce Brosnan and Tim Whats-his-name! Seriously, "Quantum of Solace"??? Jezzz the title is enough to put anyone off!!!
BTW, Sean Connery was/is the BEST James Bond EVER EVER EVER! There, I'm showing me age now.

Tessie said...

That is a truly unacceptable movie poster. FOR REALS.

We couldn't even get like a FOREARM or something?

DevilsHeaven said...

I haven't seen Daniel as Bond, but I'm still weeping over the fact that they told Pierce he was too old to be Bond anymore. Whatev! Those blue eyes give me shivers still.

Brian Smith said...

I liked Pierce Brosnan too, but I think the problem with casting him in "Casino Royale" was that it was supposed to be Bond's first mission, set at least several years before 1995's "Goldeneye." In other words, it would be then-53-year-old Pierce Brosnan playing a Bond in his mid-to-late-30s.

The reboot is great, but I blame it (and, therefore, the change in actors) on whoever decided that "Die Another Day" needed an invisible car and a CGI surf scene.

Cory said...

Wow, I'm still reeling from the fact that my wife has a thing for 'Captain Ramius'. Isn't he a bit old now honey?

Craig certainly portrayed having some balls of steel!

Sue said...

April, I loved this post. Daniel is awesome, and I'm with you about the poster.

Love Actually ROCKS! One of my favorite all time movies. (Next to pretty much anything with Brad, my celebrity husband, Pitt in it.)

Becky said...

Cory, honey, it is your fault. You are the one who made me watch the Hunt for Red October like a zillion times.

Did you expect me to fall for Alec Baldwin? Shiver. No way.

And honey, I think it should encourage you to know I like older men...that way when you turn completely gray and have to hide your wrinkles with facial hair, you know that I will still fluff your pillow. :)

The Maid

Roland Hulme said...

I will confess, I am a TOTAL Bond nerd - so the answer to the 'Quantum of Solace' question can be answered here:

I was amazed by Casino Royale. It seemed more popular with the ladies than the men!

I LOVED your synopsis of it, though. That's hysterical stuff! You're a genius.

WILLIAM said...

Octo-chubby?Thunderthighs? The Spider veins who loved me?