Thursday, June 5, 2008

Celebrity Snark

So I left a comment today on Adulthood Sucks (who is lovely!). I am not going to repeat it, but it's there for you to read for yourself. But I gotta be honest, I felt a little bad afterward. I mean I was basically insulting someone I don't even know. Which is rude, but I seem to have a bit of a gift for it. What can I say, God blesses us in different ways.
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But the issue is, I didn't feel bad about hurting the feelings of the person I was talking about, I felt bad about hurting the feelings of the person I was talking to. Get it?? I mean I don't know the lovely anonymous writer of Adulthood Sucks, even though I have been lurking on her site forev. I'm all wrapped up in her life now. Which is little creepy. But I am sure you all feel the same about me, just as I do about you. Wrapped up I mean. Not creepy. So what if this person I was insulting was by some slim chance related to Adulthood Sucks? What if it was her sister, friend or distant relative and I totally talked smack about her?
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Okay this is getting confusing. So I'll just put it out there. I was talking about Denise Richards. And I may or may not have insinuated that she was a fame hungry whore. Okay I just said it out right. But for the record, I said she's a self promoting whore. But what ever, tomato tomahto. But since we're all ready talking about her I'll just stand up and go on record that I think Charlie is much better off without her. So for any of you still wondering where I stood on that issue, I am Team Charlie all the way.
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And since we are talking about celebrities, let's talk about Pete Wentz for a little while, mmmkay? What do we think of him? Personally, not a fan. And the guy is everywhere. I'm sick of him. He has to be the most famous bassist ever. (He's a bassist right? For all I know he could play the accordion.) Have you ever heard of a band where the bassist is more famous than the lead singer? Can anyone here (over the age of 22) name the lead singer of Fall Out Boy?? Anyone? Nope, I have no idea what his name is either. And I am not looking him up on the Google. And don't you do it either. I know you want to. I am convinced someone somewhere is keeping track of everything we are Googling to use it against us someday. God forbid someone throws that little nugget back in my face at a really inopportune time.
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"Dear Mrs. Uberman, we regretfully inform you that your son cannot be accepted into our university at this time. After a routine investigation it was discovered that in the summer of 2008 you were guilty of excessively Googling where to buy replacement Lego pieces, crock pot recipes, Daniel Craig, and the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. We could have overlooked the other items as we realize you're a mom of two boys, you work so you need simple meal preparations, and we would be lying if we didn't agree that Daniel Craig is straight out of Studsville. However, no one cares about the name of the lead singer of Fall Out Boy, therefore we have concluded your son is the descendant of psychopaths and/or idiots. We recommend you contact a mental health professional ASAP. Sincerely, Random Ivy League University."

Moving on.

What is up with this? I am assuming Posh did not see him before he left the house or I am 100% convinced she would have asked why in the hell he was wearing little Cruz's vest. And the bow tie she stole from a male stripper. And Grandma Becks' turquoise necklace as a bracelet. Referee, hand this man his red card!!

And what the heck happened here? Apparently there is a stylist position open in Hollywood. Anyone condoning neoprene pants and no-sew fleece vests need not apply.

And is just me, or is this his signature pose? Close your mouth Dude, you like a moron. And stop hanging out with Pete Wentz. That guy's a goober. But love the hair, man. Kudos for finally cutting it.

And seriously, what is going on here? Is she? Are they? Do you really think? I mean whatever floats your boat. But wow.

And for those of you (men I am assuming) who don't get the fascination with celebrities, Uberman doesn't get it either. When Brad and Jen broke up I was upset. I mean I walked around in a fog for days asking why? Why can't they go to counseling and work this out?? Why?? And Uberman said "Baby, you realize you don't actually know them, right??" But whatever. I felt like I did. And they let me down. No, HE let me down. Running off with that woman. And now Jen's dating a dude who walks around with his mouth hanging open. Oh the pain!
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Speaking of marriage, yesterday I read this little blurb about Charlize Theron. She's basically saying she doesn't believe in marriage because the government doesn't see the reality of gay and lesbian marriages. I'm sorry, what does this have to do with you getting married, Charlize? I just think that if I am going to take a stand on the issue of championing the equal marriage cause, I might want to be someone who takes marriage seriously. Regardless of who is getting married, the act of marriage itself deserves some respect if everyone should be allowed to do it. Anyone out there with me on this? I'm stepping off my soap box now.

Wait, maybe I need to climb back on. I saw a little snippet on E! of this woman wearing this dress. They (the E! people) were asking her why she felt the need to put that statement on her dress and she said "Because I stand against genocide." Um, isn't everyone technically against genocide? Or maybe I should rephrase that. Is there anyone for genocide? I think even the people who are causing the genocide, the genociders if you will, are against genocide. The genocide is simply the result of what they view as a greater fight. It just sounds stupid. I'm against genocide. Really Maria, how do you feel about child abuse? Or animal cruelty? Are you against that too? What about raping and pillaging? Just curious. Because me personally, I'm totally against the raping, but the pillaging is okay. And I'm on the fence about toxic chemicals in toys. Doing a little more research before I sew sequin letters on my Old Navy denim jacket and permanently declare my stance on the subject.

Sometimes celebrities are stupid.
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And just in case anyone wants to start jumping all over me about how I don't even know these people and who am I to judge, I just want to let y'all know I got my facts from People Magazine. Mmmmkay? And we all know you can believe everything you read in People. Right?

Right?

*Crickets...Pins dropping...*

7 comments:

Jessie said...

Read your comment to DevilsHeaven and you are right on. Of course, I was kind of on Denise Richards side in the whole things. Charlie was doped up for most of their marriage so she did what any other self-respecting woman who wanted to save her marriage would do: got pregnant, twice. And then he was still doped up. Couldn't stay sober for the kids, shame on Charlie.

Which I think is funny because Charlie got to keep his show. But what about Robert Downey Jr.? Huh? He has a teensy bitty problem with sobriety and he's cut from Allie McBeal, (which I loved and loved him in!) The double standard kills me. (And yes, I'm still bitter and Allie has been off the air for what, eight years or so...Loved that show...)

Also, who decided to let Mischa Barton wear gray stretch pants out with a VEST? Are you kidding me?

Katie said...

You're hilarious - I think Beck is still dee-lish. He could be wearing a dress and high heels for all I care. Never loses his "yum" factor. I barely notice what he's wearing because I can't stop looking at his gorgeous mug.

Bogart in P Towne said...

I shake my head in amazement about following celebrities...I don't get it.

But then I can tell you who played 3rd base for the 1961 Cubs (I was born many years after that), who won the world series every year since I was born (without looking it up) and proper cooking time for just about any meat...so, to each his own.

Tessie said...

So funny about Jen and Brad. ME TOO MAN. Me too.

Thanks for your comment today. Hilarious. I'll be back.

kristen s said...

OMG, April! I read People.com every single day! It's like we share a brain...

The most irritating thing celebrities do in my opinion is the whole political thing. Do I really care who Scarlett Johansson is backing for the Presidency? I think her time would be much better spent taking voice lessons, because although I haven't heard it myself, the reviews of her musical debut were horrendous. They all need to keep their day jobs and leave politics alone. Seriously, I can't even WATCH Susan Sarandon in a movie anymore, because she's irritated me so badly with her award acceptance speeches. Why do people seem to care who the celebs vote for anyway? Most of them are barely educated, and don't exactly live in the "real" world, so it's not like they can relate to any ordinary problems people face. Grrr... the whole phenomenon really chaps my a$$.

And yes, I agree with you that Denise Richards is a self promoting ho-bag, but I can't say I'm too fond of Charlie Sheen either. He's kind of creepy, don't you think? All of that Heidi Fleiss business.. eeeewww. If you ask me, they were a match made in ho-heaven. I'm actually surprised they didn't last.

Caitlin said...

April I finally just sat down to read this in full.
Girl, you kill me. Let's hurry up and get married.
xoxo

DevilsHeaven said...

I've been linked to! Screw Denise Richards, I'm the STAR! :-)
Just so you know, I am NOT related to Denise Richards. If I was, she'd been beat down by now. However, Charlie is kinda skivie too, they both need to shut it. You're both bad parents, so seriously, SHUT IT.
Ahem, April like I said, you kill me!
DH