Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A Better Deal

In case any of you were unsure, I'm a girl. A girly girl. I am attracted to the sparkly. The shiny. Ooh, the flossy flossy. And it's even better if I can get the sparkly, shiny, flossy things at a bargain price. I love me a good deal.

It used to be that when I spent $95.02, I had something really fun to show for it. I had new boots that I bought on sale. And I could say "Look at my super cute new boots!" Or I could have a whole outfit plus accessories. "Look at my pretty new top and matching earrings! Guess how much I saved?" I could use my Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon to buy a fun, new kitchen appliance, like a toaster oven! (I am sick, I really think a toaster oven would be fun.)

For $95.02, I could go to the Brighton outlet and treat myself to sunglasses, earrings and probably a bracelet. I could get on Amazon and buy enough books and movies to keep me entertained for the rest of the year, with free super saver shipping. $95.02 could pay for four and three fourths pedicures if I had a coupon and didn't get a flower on my big toe. That could be four months and three weeks of pretty feet! And yes, a good pedicure lasts me a month if I am really careful.

So today, guess what I got for my $95.02? I got 23.987 gallons of gas. Gas, people. And not even the fancy gas, which is a crock by the way, I don't care what Uberman says. And it was painful. I think my debit card actually flipped me off. And I think the gas pump giggled as I put it in the tank. That's a lot of money people! And to not have anything to show for it? Hey everyone, look at my new . . . um . . . gas!! Isn't it the prettiest gas you have ever seen? All together now - Ooooh!! Aaaaah!! You're a lucky girl, April!!

And you know what really pisses me off? ***And I'm about to get offensive so consider this your warning*** While I am standing there, stealing all the paper towels out of the window washing thingy, feeling faint and weak in the knees, listening to the pump mock me as it ticks away the dollars and cents to the rhythm of "Suck-er, Suck-er," I notice QT is advertising 32oz drinks for 69 cents. A Good Deal, the sign says. Aw shucks QT! By golly that sure is mighty kind of ya!

Rat bastards. You guys have great big giant coconut balls, you know that? Here I am taking it up the ass at the pump and you are trying to lure me in with 69 cent 32 ouncers? How dare you! Someone should call Dateline and get that Chris Hansen guy out here. Yes, I agree. You can't beat a 69 cent 32 ounce deal anywhere, even at the happy hour from 2-4 at that place we do not mention anymore. But my God people! Aren't I giving QT enough of my money?? Do they deserve my loyalty to a cheap 32 ounce much needed cold refreshing carbonated beverage?? Don't ya thing they should just give it to me out of the kindness of their cold, greedy heart? Out of their solidarity and understanding of the human condition in a weak economy?? If I am sinking $95.02 (and stealing your paper towels) isn't a free drink the least you can do?

Because I would feel a helluva lot better after spending $95.02 ON GAS if I could say "Hey look at the good deal I got! I got bent over by QT, but they totally gave me this neat-o free drink!"


Katie said...

Okay, I am offically NOT complaining about my gas bills!!! You win...by almost double. What a reason not to have a third kid...I don't need an SUV or a mini van to try and fit my family. So sad that I'm even thinking like that.

And I think you should totally suggest to QT that they give free drinks with every gas fill up. That's a great promotion and it would cost them NOTHING. It would get people to buy their gas there and walk away satisfied. I'm seriously...email the marketing people at QT! I would be impressed and buy my gas there - and I don't even drink soda!

Katie said...

Did I just say, "I'm seriously?" I meant, "I'm serious." That's what I get for not proofreading my comments.

(feeling blonde...)

Caitlin said...

You said: "You guys have great big giant coconut balls, you know that? "
And then you followed it up with "neato".

Aaaand my night is complete.
I stinkin love tonight's blog - Hilarious, and so true.
I am also so glad to know you are a bargain shopper that loves to brag about HOW MUCH SHE SAVED! It is one of my fave hobbies. Seriously. Why pay full price when you know it's going on sale in a few weeks?

BTW, if you are a Gap shopper, take care to note that anything marked down ending in a '99' cent number (i.e.: 7.99, 23.99) has not had it's final mark down yet: Hold out if you can! When you see those final digits change to .97 (7.97, 23.97), it's a final markdown.

Don't say I never gave you anything.


Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I am laughing so hard I cannot breath. You totally crack me up.

Hmmmm... I should get a certain moderator from a certain bulletin board to uh... send you an e-mail... I only said "butt hole" and got the ... what was it? Oh yeah... inappropriate and abusive kiss off. LOL!!!

Hey, I am trying to get the word out about something and am having a little contest on my blog. Come check it out!!!

chandy said...

I love QT with their Sam Malone-like friendly employees and cheap DC...I can't quit them, the gas thing isn't their fault, right?

The key is to fill up your tank when it's about 2/3 full already. For one thing, gas goes up everyday, so the earlier you buy the better. And then there is much less sticker shock if you never have to buy an entire tank.

Or you could get a Vespa!

Becky said...

I'm donating plasma for gas now.

The problem...my blood isn't worth as much per gallon as the Ethanol Suburban food is.

Dang it.

And note to Katie...

You don't need a mini van for a third kid...or an SUV. They fit nicely in that three person back seat as long as they are at the appropriate BMI.

So don't use that excuse to stop breeding,

Love, the breeder.
I mean, the maid.

Bogart in P Towne said...

That is a big bill for gas...but hey, the price per pound is still cheap, right?

Chris H said...

Yep, it costs the same here to fill my car with petrol! Daylight robbery. I am seriously thinking of getting me an electric car... then I can tell the petrol company to go F*#K themselves.

linda said...

Yep...no lube and no love.

DutchMac said...

Not that his will make you feel any better, but I just had a quick date with some and online conversion websites and my handy-dandy mathematical brain.....all of which have landed me with the conclusion that those of us across the pond are getting done harder than you.

A LITRE of gas costs 1.53 Euro. Now, follow along with me. There are 3.8 litres in a US gallon, and current currency rates make 1.53euro equivalent to 2.41USdollars.

SO! 2.41dollars per litre, multiplied by 3.8 for how many litres per gallon, and you arrive at the astonishing figure of (drum roll and dramatic pause, please) $9.16 per gallon of gas.


So believe me, I'm feeling your pain.....and then some.