In case any of you were unsure, I'm a girl. A girly girl. I am attracted to the sparkly. The shiny. Ooh, the flossy flossy. And it's even better if I can get the sparkly, shiny, flossy things at a bargain price. I love me a good deal.
It used to be that when I spent $95.02, I had something really fun to show for it. I had new boots that I bought on sale. And I could say "Look at my super cute new boots!" Or I could have a whole outfit plus accessories. "Look at my pretty new top and matching earrings! Guess how much I saved?" I could use my Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon to buy a fun, new kitchen appliance, like a toaster oven! (I am sick, I really think a toaster oven would be fun.)
For $95.02, I could go to the Brighton outlet and treat myself to sunglasses, earrings and probably a bracelet. I could get on Amazon and buy enough books and movies to keep me entertained for the rest of the year, with free super saver shipping. $95.02 could pay for four and three fourths pedicures if I had a coupon and didn't get a flower on my big toe. That could be four months and three weeks of pretty feet! And yes, a good pedicure lasts me a month if I am really careful.
So today, guess what I got for my $95.02? I got 23.987 gallons of gas. Gas, people. And not even the fancy gas, which is a crock by the way, I don't care what Uberman says. And it was painful. I think my debit card actually flipped me off. And I think the gas pump giggled as I put it in the tank. That's a lot of money people! And to not have anything to show for it? Hey everyone, look at my new . . . um . . . gas!! Isn't it the prettiest gas you have ever seen? All together now - Ooooh!! Aaaaah!! You're a lucky girl, April!!
And you know what really pisses me off? ***And I'm about to get offensive so consider this your warning*** While I am standing there, stealing all the paper towels out of the window washing thingy, feeling faint and weak in the knees, listening to the pump mock me as it ticks away the dollars and cents to the rhythm of "Suck-er, Suck-er," I notice QT is advertising 32oz drinks for 69 cents. A Good Deal, the sign says. Aw shucks QT! By golly that sure is mighty kind of ya!
Rat bastards. You guys have great big giant coconut balls, you know that? Here I am taking it up the ass at the pump and you are trying to lure me in with 69 cent 32 ouncers? How dare you! Someone should call Dateline and get that Chris Hansen guy out here. Yes, I agree. You can't beat a 69 cent 32 ounce deal anywhere, even at the happy hour from 2-4 at that place we do not mention anymore. But my God people! Aren't I giving QT enough of my money?? Do they deserve my loyalty to a cheap 32 ounce much needed cold refreshing carbonated beverage?? Don't ya thing they should just give it to me out of the kindness of their cold, greedy heart? Out of their solidarity and understanding of the human condition in a weak economy?? If I am sinking $95.02 (and stealing your paper towels) isn't a free drink the least you can do?
Because I would feel a helluva lot better after spending $95.02 ON GAS if I could say "Hey look at the good deal I got! I got bent over by QT, but they totally gave me this neat-o free drink!"