One of my neighbors is out to get me.
And I will find out who. And they are going down. I will bring them down to Chinatown. Oh, that is a promise.
I have received three, count 'em three, letters from the HOA in the past three weeks. The first was about our trash can that had been left out on a non-trash day. Thanks for the notice, but guess what? Not our trash can. It was the new neighbors'. It just so happened to be a little too close to our edge of the side yard.
Last week it was a notice to "green up" our grass. In ten days. Our grass does have one small yellowish greenish patch. More of a celadon green if you will. But every yard looks similar. Here's a news flash. It's HOT here. And DRY. And we are watering twice a day. And even the grass in the common area looks like crap. And unlike the property management company, we do not have a golf course certified landscaper on staff. What the H?
Then yesterday, the letter is pointing out weeds in the gravel area. It should have said "weed." Not that kind of weed, but a lone weed. One very small weed that sprung up out of nowhere. As weeds do. Hence the saying "growing like a weed." So tiny and partially obscured by the enormous Mexican Bird of Paradise, I didn't even notice its existence. Until the HOA was so kind to point it out to me. Via certified mail. And satellite photo courtesy of Google Earth. Okay so I may have embellished a little on the last part.
Now normally I am so busy doing my own thing, trying to keep up with my own life, that I fail to notice what is going on with my various neighbors. As a matter of fact, I know so few of them. We have a smile and waive thing with most of the neighbors, an idle chit chat and exchange of Christmas cookies type of relationship with a select few, and acquaintance bordering on friendship with the family two doors down. I have no idea who has weeds. I could care less if they leave their trash cans out. And I have never whipped out my color wheel to judge the green-ness of their grass.
Why? Because I have a life.
Meanwhile, new next door non-BFF's? Still NO LANDSCAPING AT ALL. Just a bunch of dirt, big rocks and guess what else? Weeds. PLURAL. Oh and another little thing that is totally verboten - a GINORMOUS brown trailer in their driveway.
Yeah I get it, they're new. Maybe they were not provided with a copy of the CC&R's when they moved in. Fine. Whatever. Is this ugly brown trailer hurting me? Causing me harm? Other than offending my eyesight, no. But what I want to know is, how does anyone see weeds or lack of green in my grass without being distracted by the enormous brown monstrosity that is a blatant disregard for the rules of our HOA parked in the next driveway?
They have lived here for two months. How long are they gonna slide by with the huge eyesore parked in front of their giant RV gate? And normally I would not give a rat's patoot. But somehow we have popped up as Public Enemy Number One on the HOA radar. And they continue to get away with property value murder.
And here's the kicker - their nasty cat is using my side yard as a toilet. I am cleaning up after their cat. And then we, not they, are getting letters spouting off crap about pride of ownership and beautifying the neighborhood and blah puking blah and getting blamed for their trash can misconduct. Seriously people. We are so not ever gonna barbecue with you.
And as for the dirty drunken delusionals who keep turning us in - Listen up Gladys Kravitz or whoever you may be. You nosy, rotten, hall monitoring turner-inner. You are a rat. Who do you think you are?? You think you're gonna mess with us?? You are going down. I am sending that obnoxious cat to your yard. I will lace your flower beds with Fancy Feast, so help me. You are toying with the wrong woman. I know teenagers. With mad toilet papering skillz.
Oh yeah. Believe that.
Please note that although I am clenching my fists and stamping my feet and whining about the unfairness of life in the 'Burbs in this post, my threats were only in jest and for the amusement of others. Anyone who knows me personally knows I am all talk and very little action and the very thought of confrontation gives me sweaty palms, heart palpitations and an urgent need to find the nearest bathroom. However, I have seen every unedited episode of the Sopranos, all three Godfather movies, The Departed, The Road to Perdition, the first three seasons of Desperate Housewives and Mean Girls. If you are reading this and you are my neighbor and you are turning me in to the HOA - Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.