People are stupid. And of course, since I am indeed, a person, I mean me too. (See definition for narcolepsy.)
For example, I stopped today at, um, an undisclosed location, ahem, for a diet coke with vanilla. When the girl handed it to me she asked if I would need any salt or ketchup. Uuhhh, no thanks? I think the vanilla is all the extra flavor I need.
I went to the grocery store on Tuesday and the check out girl asked me if I needed any ass or stamps. Exsqueeze me? "Um, I meant ICE. Do you need any ice?" Oh good! Because as you can see, I have plenty of ass. I actually have a surplus, but I'm working on it. Stamps would be great though, because I'm fresh out of those.
One of our company asshats came into the office today. He asked if I had any White-Out. I handed him the corrective tape and watched in awe as he raised it to his ear and shook it.
Me: What are you doing?
He: Shaking it.
Me: Uh-huh. Hmmm. Why?
He: To mix it up.
Me: Dude, it's corrective tape.
He (looking at it): What do you mean?
Me: You don't have to shake it.
Me: Because, it's, um, dry. It's like tape-puh. (Yes, I felt the need to enunciate.)
He: Is it sticky?
Me: Uh, no.
He: I was wondering why it wasn't making any noise.
Me: And I am wondering how you got a masters degree.
He (trying to hand it back to me): How do I work it?
Me: Can you just step away from my desk? Please??
I went to Walgreens this afternoon for Benadryl. The check out guy feels the need to state the obvious. "Someone has allergies." Um, no. I just liked the box because it was pink and pretty. I just smiled at him. He tells me my total is $6.15. I give him $11.15.
He: Will that be cash?
Me: Ummm. Yeah, that is cash.
He: You gave me too much money.
Me: Yes, can you please give me back a five?
He: Why can't I just give you back your one and four other ones?
Me: Because I want a five. Is that okay? (Smile)
He (closing cash register): Okay. Now tell me exactly what you want.
Me: I gave you a ten, a one and fifteen cents. I am asking you to give me back a five in change.
He: I think I need to get the manager.
Me: I think you need a whole lot more than that.
Am I expecting too much? I didn't feel the need to explain to him that my boys needed $5 each for an activity and I only had one $5. If one got a five and the other got five ones we could have an issue. Other mommies, are you with me on this?? I just thought Walgreens Guy could help me out with this. I thought we were like comrades because he works with the public, I have worked with the public. You know, we have a connection. But nooooo. Walgreens Guy left me hanging.
I've told y'all before I used to be a waitress. Yeah, I totally sucked at it. But I was good with the dealing with the public part of the job. I have stories, oh boy do I have stories. Here's a few...
Working the breakfast shift you spend a lot of time discussing eggs with people. When your server asks you "How would you like your eggs cooked?" The appropriate answers are as follows: Over Easy, Over Medium, Over Hard, Sunny Side Up, Scrambled, Poached, or Basted. Please notice "Fried" is not an option. Neither is "Over." I used to get really snippy with the "over" people. I would say "Over Night?" or "Over a Flame?" Over what??? Give me some specifics! Although once I did get "In a window" from a hungover frat boy. I almost gave him a hug. Sweet little thing.
When you are giving people a lot of options on what drinks or salad dressings are available, it is very easy to see who's stupid at the table. I'd go through the whole list of beverages, even though they are listed in detail on the back of the menu. "Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Sprite, Root Beer, Lemonade, Orange Juice, Iced Tea, Coffee, Hot Chocolate, Water." Every. Single. Time. "Don't you have Dr. Pepper?" Why yes we do, but I didn't want to tell you about it. Shhh, it's a secret. You look more like a Shirley Temple kind of guy anyway.
Or I'd go through the whole list of salad dressings: "House, Thousand Island, Italian Vinaigrette, French, Lo Cal Catalina and Balsamic Vinaigrette." The obvious question next is "Don't you have Ranch?" or "Do you have Bleu Cheese?" Dude, did I say Ranch or Bleu Cheese??
So my day ends with this story. I called my OBGYN office to make my appointment for my annual oil change. The receptionist asks my name. I tell her. She asks me to spell it. I start spelling my last name.
She: No, how do you spell your first name?
Me: It's April. Like the month?
She: And how do you spell it?
Me: Um, just like the month. A-P-R-I-L.
Is it me? Are my expectations a little too high? How do I, lovable, bubbly A-P-R-I-L, always manage to bring out the C-R-A-Z-Y in everyone?