My friend, you have a gift. It was the perfect blend of fizzy carbonated beverage and sweet hint of vanilla goodness. It was by far the best diet coke with vanilla I have ever had. It is therefore my opinion that you should pursue a career in chemistry. I wish you good health and prosperity for the rest of your life. Just please, be sure to train your fellow carhops and assist them in mastering your mixology skills.
The crazy lady who freaked out when she realized she had no money and paid for her Diet Coke with Vanilla via debit card. (Sorry about the tip, I'll catch you on the flip side)
To the blonde chick in the red mustang,
I used to be you. Young and stupid. Driving around like a complete moron thinking I was so hot in my convertible. So I come to you from the future - sooner or later that mustang turns into a minivan and instead of rapping out loud with Fiddy and the boys, you're gonna be singing along to Hakuna Matata. In order for you to get your future babies safely to their future destinations, you're gonna need both your eyes. So how 'bout setting the alarm clock a few minutes earlier and putting your mascara on at home, huh? We've already got enough men yelling at us about our driving abilities. You are not helping our case here. Pay attention to the road. And back off a little, will ya? I usually make someone buy me a drink before I let them get that close to my rear end. Mmmmkay?
To the lady in front of me at Einstein Bagels this afternoon,
Look. I realize you would rather have a drink instead of the chips or potato salad. However, that is not an option. The big giant menu in front of you clearly states "All sandwiches come with a pickle and your choice of chips, potato salad or cole slaw." You see? It never says drink. Not even once in that sentence. So here's an idea. Buy a drink. Yes! You buy a drink, they give you a cup and you take it to that big red machine in the corner and choose from 10 soft drinks available! Or, you can ask for iced tea. Or they have a variety of water, juice and milk in the big cold refrigerator behind you. Mmmkay? You see the guy you are complaining to? His name tag says "Assistant Manager." Not owner. Not Mr. Einstein. Not even Manager. He doesn't care that you think it's unfair they do not offer a combo meal with a drink. He doesn't make the rules. He just takes your money and creates the bagel making schedule. So please, I am begging you, shut up and deal with it. The 11 people behind me and I have lives we need to get back to.
Hungry and irritated,
Tasty Turkey, no sprouts or tomatoes
PS - Have you even tried the potato salad? It is Divine! A gift from God above and the Rabbi who blessed it. Try it, you'll forget you ever wanted a drink.
To Junior's fourth grade class room mom,
To my bathroom scale,
I hear you snickering at me as I walk by. Get over yourself. It was one cookie. And when I say one cookie I really mean two. But still, there is no need to mock me. And I am totally aware you and the downstairs TiVo are talking about me behind my back. You think you are so slick. We'll see who's laughing when you find your cold ass sitting out in the middle of the driveway at the next garage sale. Piece of crap. You don't scare me anymore.
Two sizes smaller,
The fat chick who likes to jump on you in the morning (Funny. This is how I sign notes to my husband too.)
What the flip is up with your spacing issues? You drive me crazy! You know how I like things even and symmetrical. Work it out or I'm leaving you. Wordpress is more attractive anyway.
April's Reign (not the porn site)