Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Random Letters

To the guy at Sonic who dispensed my morning diet coke with vanilla,

My friend, you have a gift. It was the perfect blend of fizzy carbonated beverage and sweet hint of vanilla goodness. It was by far the best diet coke with vanilla I have ever had. It is therefore my opinion that you should pursue a career in chemistry. I wish you good health and prosperity for the rest of your life. Just please, be sure to train your fellow carhops and assist them in mastering your mixology skills.

Warmest regards,

The crazy lady who freaked out when she realized she had no money and paid for her Diet Coke with Vanilla via debit card. (Sorry about the tip, I'll catch you on the flip side)


To the fellow mommy dropping her son off at preschool this morning,

Seriously, would it have killed you to hold the monstrous, heavy gate open for the additional two seconds it may have taken me to walk the 10 feet that separated us when you looked right at me, knew I was coming and could plainly see I had my hands full with my daughter's tote bag, a cell phone, a set of keys, my sunglasses, a gallon of milk, two boxes of fish crackers, 18 slices of cheese and 9 apples? You're awesome. Thanks a mill.

In Christ,

The mommy who glared at you with grinding teeth as she put everything on the ground in order to open the gate. while simultaneously trying to cover the mouth of her four year old who kept saying "That was rude, huh Mommy?"


To my fellow drivers on the east bound 101 this morning,

You know that mysterious wet substance falling from the sky this morning? It's called RAIN, people. Say it with me - Errraaaayyyynnnuh. It's that stuff you hear about from the people who moved here from Seattle. It's not acid or toxic waste. It's completely natural and normal. I know we don't see a lot of it here in the desert, but trust me, it is not damaging to your paint or hazardous to your health. It's just God's way of recycling water. So relax Chicken Little. The sky's not falling. There's no need to slam on the brakes and creep along at 35 miles per hour. On the freeway. Some of us have places to be. And for the love of Noah - it was sprinkling. Not even umbrella worthy!

Until tomorrow,

The lady in the black Yukon usually singing loudly and totally unaware you can still hear her when the windows (yours and hers) are rolled up.


To the blonde chick in the red mustang,

I used to be you. Young and stupid. Driving around like a complete moron thinking I was so hot in my convertible. So I come to you from the future - sooner or later that mustang turns into a minivan and instead of rapping out loud with Fiddy and the boys, you're gonna be singing along to Hakuna Matata. In order for you to get your future babies safely to their future destinations, you're gonna need both your eyes. So how 'bout setting the alarm clock a few minutes earlier and putting your mascara on at home, huh? We've already got enough men yelling at us about our driving abilities. You are not helping our case here. Pay attention to the road. And back off a little, will ya? I usually make someone buy me a drink before I let them get that close to my rear end. Mmmmkay?

Until tomorrow,

Yukon lady who flipped you, I mean waived at you when you blew by her hoping to make the almost red light.

P.S. What part of "photo enforcement zone" don't you get? But I bet your mascara looks beautiful in the picture attached to the ticket they're going to send you.


To the lady in front of me at Einstein Bagels this afternoon,

Look. I realize you would rather have a drink instead of the chips or potato salad. However, that is not an option. The big giant menu in front of you clearly states "All sandwiches come with a pickle and your choice of chips, potato salad or cole slaw." You see? It never says drink. Not even once in that sentence. So here's an idea. Buy a drink. Yes! You buy a drink, they give you a cup and you take it to that big red machine in the corner and choose from 10 soft drinks available! Or, you can ask for iced tea. Or they have a variety of water, juice and milk in the big cold refrigerator behind you. Mmmkay? You see the guy you are complaining to? His name tag says "Assistant Manager." Not owner. Not Mr. Einstein. Not even Manager. He doesn't care that you think it's unfair they do not offer a combo meal with a drink. He doesn't make the rules. He just takes your money and creates the bagel making schedule. So please, I am begging you, shut up and deal with it. The 11 people behind me and I have lives we need to get back to.

Hungry and irritated,

Tasty Turkey, no sprouts or tomatoes

PS - Have you even tried the potato salad? It is Divine! A gift from God above and the Rabbi who blessed it. Try it, you'll forget you ever wanted a drink.


To Junior's fourth grade class room mom,

Thank you for all of your hard work in organizing the class parties all year and the end of year gift for the teacher. It's women like you who make this world a better place for crazy, unorganized and forgetful women like me. I want to be you in my next life! Way to represent the moms out there!
Much love and admiration,

Junior's Frazzled Mom


To the kid in Mac's second grade class who taught him that "Dicks" was more than the name of a sporting goods store,

You're a peach. I bet your parents are so proud. Hey Guess what? There's no such thing as Santa. Nope. Or the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. It's all lies your parents told you to trick you into being good. And since that didn't work, here's another little nugget of information for you. That puppy you just got? They bought it for you because they feel guilty about their impending divorce. I know it, they know it, the whole neighborhood knows it. So there you go. Kinda makes you want to mind your own business, huh? Little creep.


Mac's Ticked Off Mom


To my bathroom scale,

I hear you snickering at me as I walk by. Get over yourself. It was one cookie. And when I say one cookie I really mean two. But still, there is no need to mock me. And I am totally aware you and the downstairs TiVo are talking about me behind my back. You think you are so slick. We'll see who's laughing when you find your cold ass sitting out in the middle of the driveway at the next garage sale. Piece of crap. You don't scare me anymore.

Two sizes smaller,

The fat chick who likes to jump on you in the morning (Funny. This is how I sign notes to my husband too.)


To Blogger,

What the flip is up with your spacing issues? You drive me crazy! You know how I like things even and symmetrical. Work it out or I'm leaving you. Wordpress is more attractive anyway.


April's Reign (not the porn site)


Becky said...

To my Bunco friend...

I realize that you are the reason that I started to blog in the first place, and that your humor is more colorful and relatable to the outside world, but you need to quit showing me up. I assure you that I will get a job at Sonic, screw up forever your morning Sonic ritual with loogies and way too much vanilla, if you can't lay off the blogging supremacy.

(Don't think I won't...I already plowed head first into the Sonic sign just to teach my hubby a lesson about making me wake up too early.) That'll teach him.

The Rubber Maid (Trying to "bounce back" from the deep seated depression that comes from not being as fun as you.)

PS - Oh, and back off of the drivers who apply mascara...some people need their leg perched on a bathroom counter (uh hem) and some need to do it with their mouths wide open. I happen to need to be going 70 miles an hour to get the perfect curl, texture, and consistency. What of it?

Jessie said...

I'm supposed to be studying, and I can't stop laughing! You rule, oh Queen.

chandy said...

Quote:(Funny. This is how I sign notes to my husband too.)

Too. darn. funny.

Katie said...

A. Men. AMEN to the Blogger letter! And all of this happened in one day? You beat my day by a mile. Hail, hail Queen April!!!

kristen s said...

Queen April,

I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. (I'm bowing as I type this...)

This is exactly why I don't dare start a blog of my own. I already have enough of an inferiority complex...why add one more thing? Seriously, my children would suffer: "Not now kids. I KNOW you've eaten nothing but 100 calorie packs for the last 5 days, but mommy is trying to think of something witty to write about! Don't you understand the pressure I'm under? April is going to show me up AGAIN! Don't be so selfish!"

Nope. No point. You're the Queen and that was just too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

P.S. Does anyone know if there are plans to open a Sonic in North Scottsdale? I can't help but feel that my life would be so much more fulfilling if I could just experience the joy of a diet coke with vanilla...

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

A porn site or your site...now that's a tough decision to make!! After all, I DO have a blog about wieners!!

Love, love, love your blog already. Can't wait to back read and see what you're all about.

Hallie :)

Me_Again said...

Your blog just grabbed me by the ears and tickled my heart and my funny bone...and damn good blog! Looking forward to reading more =0)

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That is the funniest thing I've read in a looooong time!!! You are hilarious!

Gosh... I can't even tell you what my favs were because they all were. What a hoot.

I complained about the spacing thing on my blog to and someone commented that they type a character in the space and then make it the same color as the background. I tried it and it worked!

And I didn't get jack done today. It was one thing after the other and included in-law trouble... ugh. I thought we were all over that. Hubs handled things wonderfully though... but it was still pretty upsetting.

Anonymous said...

Hey April! I linked to you in my post today! ;o) Have a great one! Oh... and I totally would have held the gate open for ya!

Bogart in P Towne said...

I need to try the vanilla diet coke...sounds good.

Kathy said...

I followed coffee bean's link here. AND I am glad I did! A funny way to start my day.

Trisha said...

Too funny! These are the letters I always imagine writing in my own life!

Thank you for the wonderful way to start my day!

Chris H said...

That was one funny post mate! Well done. I got 'directed' here by The Righteous Buzz...

Chris H said...

Hee hee, hi to you too! And I almost forgot what I had meant to say to begin with... diet coke and vanilla!!!! EEEEwwww totally ruining bloody good diet coke that is! G'day... nope we don't usually say that, we say 'morning' or 'Hi' or a few others!

Caitlin said...

Ooooh, April. I saw the comment you left at So The Fish Said and I liked you right away. Then I came to your blog and read your letters and....I was just wondering....would...you....marry me?

Brenda said...

I think I found the reality show you can star in without any hesitation...Last Comic Standing! You make me pee my pants. You are so funny. Thanks for the super laugh today! Happy Friday.