I could never be on a reality show where the point is winning money. I've got no game. I'm not good at the whole strategy and alliance part of it. I just realized I am basically saying I am not smart enough to be on a reality show. That's pathetic. But seriously, I am not a schemer. My brain just doesn't work like that. I would be too busy trying to make friends, have fun and make sure everyone liked me. I'd be that moron who gets voted off and never saw it coming. Not because I thought I was running the game, but because I was too stupid to realize we were playing a game and not just hanging out and having a good time. I'd be the one in the exit interview going "Yeah, wow. I am shocked. I mean wow. I thought everyone had my back. I mean I had everyone else's back, you know? Wow. I am just so surprised right now. I thought I played a good game, and obviously they thought I was a huge threat. I don't know. Wow. I guess I should feel flattered. But it was a great experience. I wouldn't change a thing." Not that I've really sat and thought about what I would say in the exit interview of a reality show or anything. I mean what kind of a loser does that?
Let's talk about Survivor for a minute. I could never do this show for several reasons. First, I am not a camper. Nope. To me, camping is staying at one of those old hotels across the street from Disneyland. I have zero desire to sleep under the stars and poop in the jungle. I am terrified of snakes and rats and I'm not a big fan of most bugs. Second, my athletic ability is, um, well . . . non-existent. I'm cracking up right now just imagining my big ass trying to get through one of those obstacle courses. So yeah, I'm definitely more of an indoor girl. Plus I really, really like to eat. And I'm not talking rice, coconuts and the occasional fish. I like food. So to me, the chance of winning one million dollars is no where near worth hanging at the beach with a bunch of strangers and no toilet paper or caffeine for 39 days. Even if I did get the opportunity to ask Jeff Probst if I could stick my finger in his dimples. I would seriously rock at the puzzles though.
I couldn't do Big Brother because A) it would suck being the token old chick, and B) all those young kids getting drunk and fighting and hooking up would irritate the crap out of me. And what if some major world event happened while I was in there and I had no idea? And by the time I got out (voted out for being a dumb ass), I would have missed all the news? Like when Princess Diana died, I was on a houseboat in Lake Powell for the entire week. I missed the whole thing. It was very traumatic.
I could totally win the Biggest Loser. I could. I know I could. Except I don't think they would take me now. And I might get a little star struck talking to Alison Sweeney. And the temptation to get sucked back into watching Days of Our Lives again would be too overwhelming. But I turned my back on that show a long time ago. Well, after Bo and Hope had finally found happiness and then here comes Billie again. My God, why can't they just let them be?? And it also really irritated me that John and Marlena went away for their honeymoon, leaving behind little Belle and Brady, and upon their return didn't even notice the kids had aged, oh, 15 years or so?? And they thought we wouldn't notice either. That's when I said, you know what? The writers of this show think we are stupid. It is so fake, I can't take it anymore. Yep, that's what did it, the rapid age progression of the kids. But oh how I was riveted when Marlena was possessed by the Devil. Because that totally happens to people, I've heard about it at church. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Biggest Loser. And just my luck I would get stuck with Jillian as my trainer. I would totally want to kick her ass for yelling at me and flaring her nostrils so much when she talked. But who am I kidding? She could kill me. She could probably just do that sneer thing she does and I would start crying like a little girl. She scares the hell out of me. I would definitely want to be assigned to Bob. I bet he has great fashion tips and knows how to make a low calorie Appletini. We would so be BFF's.
I would reign supreme at the Amazing Race. I would be so outstanding in my awesomeness they would have to change the show to April's Amazing Race. They would send Phil back to Australia and ask me to be the new host. You know why? Because I rock the casbah when it comes to reading maps. Oh yeah baby. London? Took over that city with my bad map reading self. I had British people asking me where things were. Yep. True story. Paris too. Of course nobody there asked me anything. And if they did my two years of high school French didn't help me figure out what they were saying. French people roll their eyes a lot. Have you ever noticed that? So the language thing might be a minor issue with the Amazing Race, but I would definitely win the big money. Although, again, the athletic ability, or lack thereof, could be an eensy weensy issue. And if any of the tasks required eating something gross, like cow lips or camel scrotum, I am probably not your girl. I don't know why I even said probably. That leaves it open for some sort of hope. If I have to eat something they are trying to say is an "exotic delicacy," which to me is code for "Totally discouraged by both the FDA and the USDA," there is no way I am trying it. Spending time in foreign countries, fine. Spending time in foreign hospitals with cholera-like symptoms, not so fine. But most importantly, I could not do the Amazing Race because I would want to stop and really see the sights. I would need a while to sit and take in the places I was visiting. And you just don't have time to do that when you are trying to win a million dollars. Plus I hate to fly and have to hit the sauce before boarding a plane. Half the time on that show there is no time or extra money to hit the bar before you go to the gate. So that show is mos def out!
I couldn't do the Apprentice because I care too much about being accepted by my team mates. And I think I am more afraid of Ivanka Trump than Jillian from Biggest Loser. I couldn't do Hells Kitchen because I already cook for three people who are impossible to please and extremely picky about the texture of their chicken. Gordon Ramsay wouldn't be enough of a challenge for me I think. Plus I have no desire to have my own restaurant. Gawd, that sounds like a really bad dream. And I have been known to throw bran muffins at people who called me names when I served them. Dude, if by any slim chance you are reading this and you remember this incident that took place in February of 1990 . . . you suck. And I'm still mad at you. And you totally deserved it. And the coffee I spilled in your lap by accident starting the whole debacle, where I profusely apologized, which triumphantly ended with a bran muffin stuck to the side of your face and a written reprimand in my file, ruining my chances to become a lead waitress. Whatever that means. But according to the general manager, that was a pretty big deal. I think I did okay in life anyway. So there. Creepy bran muffin eater.
I could never do a show like the Bachelor, where someone is trying to find love. Especially when it's a bunch of women trying to land one guy. The main reason being, I am happily married already, obvs. And the second reason being I am waaaayyy to much of a feminist for shows like this. These women are reduced to cattiness, back stabbing and whoring themselves out for the possibility of having this guy break up with them a few months after the shows final most dramatic rose ceremony ever. It's disgusting. Keep your rose dude. No thanks. But still, I am dying to see who's going to win Farmer Takes a Wife. I already have two favorites. Um, does this make me a hypocrite?? Have you seen this show? It's like a bad car accident, you can not tear your eyes away as much as it's making you sick. And instead of giving them a rose, or even a corn stalk which I thought would have been appropriate, the girls know they are chosen if there is an egg under their chicken. I swear to God, I am not making this up. I was actually sitting on my couch all nervous going "Oh. I hope she finds an egg!" Hey, don't judge me. What am I supposed to watch? Heroes and Private Practice aren't coming back until Fall. Freaking writer's strike.
Now if there was a show to find the next TV critic who could simultaneously fold 8 loads of laundry and catch up on her TiVo, and the contestant would be totally unaware of the other players?? Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have found our winner.