Over the past couple of months it has dawned on me that maybe I need to stray from my routine. Maybe I need to branch out a little more. Try new things. Get adventurous. Wander off the beaten path. Not that I am in a rut or anything. It's just that lately I've seen a few warning signs that I might be headed towards the mundane. But maybe I'm just being a little too sensitive. I'll give you a few examples, and then you decide. You tell me if I might have a problem. Okie dokie?
Is it time to get a life when . . .
. . . you pull into Sonic for your morning Diet Coke with vanilla and you compliment the car hop on her recently highlighted hair?
. . . aforementioned car hop thanks you for noticing and says "You just missed your husband, he came in for his morning Diet Dr. Pepper about 5 minutes ago."?
. . . the clerk at Blockbuster asks what you have been doing to lose weight? And if you have already seen Becoming Jane because he knows how you love you some Jane Austen?
. . . the manager of Einstein Bros. sees you pull into the parking lot and has your Tasty Turkey ready for you at the front counter when you walk in? And no, you didn't call ahead. And you tell him not to discuss the Tasty Turkey's with the clerk at Blockbuster after you just went on and on about cutting down on the carbs?
. . . you are actually worried that Blockbuster dude might think you're a hypocrite?
. . . the check out girl at the grocery store says "Oh are you making tacos? Didn't you just make tacos two days ago?" (Look, is that hard?? I mean all you have to do is scan the flipping item, stick it in a bag and take my money. If I wanted smart ass comments about what I am making for dinner I would have stayed home. And what's it to you?? Maybe my family LOVES tacos. Maybe it's their favorite. Maybe I have a child who is allergic to all other foods besides tacos. Maybe instead of questioning my dinner preparations you should be thinking of ways to set up a foundation for families with children who can only eat tacos. Maybe you should just shut up and let me go on my taco-eating way. Mmmmkay?? Oh and by the way, two days ago I made chicken tacos. These are beef. Entirely different type of taco. So shut your pie hole and commence to scanning my products. And be gentle with the shells or you'll really piss me off.)
. . . your TiVo was not playing nice with your cable provider and instead of recording the first new episode of ER since December (yes, I realize I am the only person in America still watching this show, but hello?? it's been 14 years and I need to ride it out, why quit now??) it recorded 59 minutes of black screen?? And this happened two weeks ago and you are still not over it and refer to that TiVo as the POS that screwed you? And you are so not afraid to let that TiVo know he is no longer your favorite and you prefer his brother upstairs? Because his brother is there for you, he never lets you down! Oh and if the POS had not recorded Gossip Girl that would have sent you over the edge and he would have found himself being sent to the Orphanage for Unwanted Crap otherwise known as Craig's List?? And even typing this right now you are getting so mad you want to go home and reformat his hard drive?? That'll show him. POS TiVo. Spawn of Satan. You will rue the day you messed with ER!!
. . . you have been trying to plan a couples date night with some friends but your husband won't commit to a date until he consults the Diamondbacks home schedule and pitching rotation??
. . . you think the producers of the movie Fever Pitch (either the one with Jimmy Fallon or the original with the yummy Colin Firth, doesn't matter) ripped off your life and totally owe you some residuals? And you know the only reason why you aren't sleeping in baseball sheets is because you are a total thread count snob and you can't find baseball sheets in a decent thread count of sweet Egyptian cotton.
. . . you threaten your readers that if one of them knows where you can find baseball sheets in a minimum 600 thread count (and Bogart, for some reason I think you do) you will BAN them from this blog if they share this knowledge with your baseball obsessed husband who insists he will sleep more peacefully if he is shrouded in his team's color and logo? Do you hear me?? This is not a threat. You will be excommunicated from the Land of April for treason. Got it??
. . . the absolute highlight of your week was getting a comment on your blog from a total rock star blogger, like say Blogging Freaking Barbie!! And you were so excited you broke out in song and dance and thanked God you were in your office all alone so there were no witnesses? And then you called your husband and even his laughter at your unsurpassed dorkiness could not bring you off of your high, so you called your mom and your best friend to brag about your awesomeness?? And when you stopped to get gas and the clerk at QT said "How are you today?" you said "I'm great! Blogging Barbie totally commented on my blog!" And then you totally did the whole miming of the pistol shoot with your thumb and index finger, confidently flicked your hair and strutted out to your car?? And then you went home and talked smack via email to your friend Becky who is obsessed with getting in the blogger "In Crowd" and told her you were now too cool to hang out with her?
. . . you too may or may not be obsessed with becoming a part of the blogging "In Crowd"?
. . . you actually think there is a blogging "In Crowd"?
So what do you think? Is it just me or do I need to change some things up? Yeah, you're right. I am totally normal. I'm gonna go grate some cheese.