Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Mmmm, That Foot Tastes Good!

You know how some people have these amazing talents that completely knock your socks off? Like the people who can take the most beautiful, spiritually enriching pictures . . . of nothing? Or the people who can take two pieces of God awful, ugly, discount fabric and sew them together, creating this amazing and adorable baby bib that you absolutely have to have even though you don't have a baby? Or someone who can find the last remaining items in your refrigerator or pantry, like a hamburger patty, a half a cup of flour, a few spices and a splash of expired salad dressing and turn it into this delicious, earth shattering concoction of bursting flavors and savory sweetness causing your eyes to roll back in your head? Or what about those people who can tie a knot in a cherry stem with their tongue?

Well guess what? I have a special talent too. As a matter of fact, I am so proficient in this area that I should teach a class at some ivy league university. If there were an Olympic-like event for this talent, I would be a gold medalist. If there were an Oscar ceremony for this, I would be Meryl Streep. If there was anyway I could make money at this talent, oh and believe me I am still trying to figure out how, I would be so stinking rich that one dollar bills would become my toilet paper.

Care to guess what my talent is? Because I am sure many of you have seen it in action. Give up? Okay, here it is..... I tend to speak without thinking. Yes, it's true. The results often include shocking, embarrassing and offending the people who were fortunate enough to witness my amazing talent in all its glory.

Now I can't take all the credit for it, it's not like I work hard at being a dumb ass. And no offense to any of my family who reads this, but I think we can all agree it is genetic. Am I right? Somewhere along the line, the internal filter became recessive in our DNA. I bet it's on my Grandma Green's paternal side, because I don't remember her mother showcasing this talent on a daily basis. But I do remember her chewing tobacco, so maybe I lucked out in the gene pool lottery after all.

The problem is, it is never my intent to hurt someone. It is never my goal to make someone feel small or less valuable than anyone else. It is never my mission to alienate the people I love, respect, or admire. It is just the unfortunate consequence of me not taking a moment to double check the words that formed a life of their own inside my filter-less brain and came flying out of my mouth like monkeys escaping the zoo. The worst part is, half the time I don't even know the monkeys are on the loose. It doesn't take the psychotic ramblings of a deranged tree hugger at the QT to let me know that I can be a little self absorbed. Most of the time I think I am being funny, and I forget that not everyone has an appreciation for sarcasm as an art form. And not everyone gets my deranged sense of humor.

So in case you haven't guessed, someone I love, whose friendship I cherish, was recently the victim of my thoughtless, projectile vomit of words. And I am so very sorry and so very ashamed that my insensitive and careless ramblings caused this person pain. She knows who she is.

One day I will learn to think before I speak. And it is up to my two best friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin, who have often been victims themselves, to please continue to remind me that not everyone thinks I am so clever and witty. And that sometimes I can come off like an obnoxious a-hole. Raia and Dee, thank you for loving me despite my flaws. And to my dear friend who is going through so much right now, thank you for your forgiveness.

1 comment:

montebjohnson said...

Hey April, Tying cherry stems into knots really isn't that great of a talent, believe me. :)