Monday, April 7, 2008


I was verbally assaulted today at a gas station.

There I was, minding my own business recovering from the sticker shock at the price displayed on the gas pump and wondering why my ass hurt, when out of the corner of my eye I see this woman walking toward me. A big ogre of a woman, with wild frizzy hair. She was wearing this billowy, gauzy long shirt and matching pants the color of an old burlap potato sack. Out of no where she starts ranting about how I personally am contributing to the duration of the war in Iraq, the elimination of the ozone and the melting of the polar ice caps.

It took me a brief moment to realize she was talking to me but I finally caught on when she pointed her nubby little finger at me and said "I don't know how selfish, spoiled assholes like you can sleep at night."

Um . . . What? Seriously, am I on Candid Camera? I looked around me for the camera crew and when I realized there wasn't one I thought, Wow, this is really happening. I'll just ignore her and try to remember to pray for her when I am not calling her bad names in my head. As she hopped on her little alternative fuel powered broomstick and started to fly off, I noticed she was also wearing a pair of bright Barney-the-dinosaur purple Crocs. And the hilarity of the whole situation got to me and I started to laugh. I couldn't help it. I thought I chuckled quietly, but apparently she heard me. Oh crap I thought, now I really pissed her off.

She started yelling at me "You think this is funny? You think global warming is something to laugh at?" And then she said something about me being ignorant and self absorbed, flipped me off and flew away.

And I stood there with my mouth open, looking around to see if anyone else had witnessed the craziness that had just unfolded in front of us. And then I was angry. Not at her, but angry at myself because I never said a word. I was too in shock to speak. It was probably best I didn't say anything, I mean she was obviously loony tunes and who knows what she was capable of. And of course, as always, the witty comebacks were flowing after she was gone.

For example, if I was not so filled with the love of Christ I might have told her to back off and that I usually insist people get to know me before they start talking about how spoiled and self absorbed I am. I may have kindly suggested she contact her doctor to request a refill of her anti-psychotic meds. I could have noted that unlike hers, my car was made in America, or at the very least, all those factory workers in Mexico were paid American dollars to make it.

If I was not so moved by the Holy Spirit to keep my mouth shut, I may have mentioned the number of five year old Chinese orphans who probably participated in the making of her ugly, synthetic and non-biodegradable footwear. I might have pointed out that at least my shoes were leather and were not contributing to the manufacturing or disposal of toxic chemical waste.

If I didn't have Jesus in my heart, I could have explained to her that I recycle, I don't like wasting electricity, and I don't buy bottled water (unless I'm having a party, and then it's just easier, right?). I may have told her to take her nasty, hemp shrouded ass back to her commune and to give Al Gore my best.

And don't go accusing me of not helping the environment, Freak Show. I think I am doing my part to make the world a prettier place . . . by not wearing fugly purple Crocs. So stick that in your bong and smoke it.


Becky said...

Why is it that all of these great blog stories keep happening to you? LOL

I am anti-croc and pro-biggasguzzlingSUV. I think hybrid vehicles are driving up the cost of electricity and I also have yet to see one that would fit my whole family.

I empathize with you in that I always think of the great comebacks a day late!

That was a hysterical post! ;)

ginger said...

it is a good thing that you love are scary :) i am kind of ashamed for owning a honda...

Jessie said...

Wow, you are a magnet for interesting things. No wonder I have a friend-crush on you!

And DITTO on the crocs. I think the only (and I mean only) people who should wear those things are 10 years old or younger or spend the majority of their days (like 20 hours or more) in their garden.

I can not believe someone out there would personally assualt someone verbally for the kind of car they own. I mean, really. It's like me calling someone with an Obama '08 sticker on their vehicle a fascist. (Nevermind that I'm probably thinking it-I would not say it out loud-well, out loud to the person with the sticker... Okay, maybe I'm just as bad. I've been humbled...)

ERIN said...

You had me at, "Big ogre of a woman, with wild frizzy hair". I am on the floor...

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.