I am such an amazing mother. Really. Guess what I said to one of my children today? I said "Stop being a butthead!" Because what I really wanted to say was "Stop being an obnoxious pain in the ass!" Apparently I thought "butthead" was less damaging to a four year old's self esteem.
What an example I am of practicing self control, huh? And if I had heard those words come out of her mouth? Her lunch would have consisted of a bar of soap with some dishwashing detergent on the side. While sitting in the time out chair.
Do you know my dad's mother raised 6 kids (one with special needs and three with diabetes) without ending up a raging alcoholic? And my mother's mother raised nine (NINE!!!) and never ate one of them. And this was back in the forties and fifties, without most of the comforts available to me. So what is my problem? I guess I should be thankful I said it to the four year old, at least I still have chance she might forget it.
I often wonder how bad I am screwing these kids up. I have told many of you this before, but Uberman and I always say we will pay for their college or therapy, which ever comes first. But no way are we paying for both.
So for all of you who are hanging on to the hope that you will be awarded Mother of the Year, you might as well give up. Because I obviously have it in the bag, Baby. I wonder what they give you? Gosh I hope it's not some lame trophy. Like I need another thing to dust. (Can someone help my mother in law up please? She's rolling on the floor laughing.) Oooh, I hope it's a crown! How cool would that be? And it would look super cute with my hairstyle. Oh I hope it's sparkly like the one Princess Diana wore when she got married to that ugly guy with the big ears. And hopefully it comes with a parenting book by Dr. Phil titled "Really stupid things not to say to your child." I'll let you know.