Friday, April 11, 2008

And the Award Goes To . . .

I am such an amazing mother. Really. Guess what I said to one of my children today? I said "Stop being a butthead!" Because what I really wanted to say was "Stop being an obnoxious pain in the ass!" Apparently I thought "butthead" was less damaging to a four year old's self esteem.

What an example I am of practicing self control, huh? And if I had heard those words come out of her mouth? Her lunch would have consisted of a bar of soap with some dishwashing detergent on the side. While sitting in the time out chair.

Do you know my dad's mother raised 6 kids (one with special needs and three with diabetes) without ending up a raging alcoholic? And my mother's mother raised nine (NINE!!!) and never ate one of them. And this was back in the forties and fifties, without most of the comforts available to me. So what is my problem? I guess I should be thankful I said it to the four year old, at least I still have chance she might forget it.

I often wonder how bad I am screwing these kids up. I have told many of you this before, but Uberman and I always say we will pay for their college or therapy, which ever comes first. But no way are we paying for both.

So for all of you who are hanging on to the hope that you will be awarded Mother of the Year, you might as well give up. Because I obviously have it in the bag, Baby. I wonder what they give you? Gosh I hope it's not some lame trophy. Like I need another thing to dust. (Can someone help my mother in law up please? She's rolling on the floor laughing.) Oooh, I hope it's a crown! How cool would that be? And it would look super cute with my hairstyle. Oh I hope it's sparkly like the one Princess Diana wore when she got married to that ugly guy with the big ears. And hopefully it comes with a parenting book by Dr. Phil titled "Really stupid things not to say to your child." I'll let you know.


Brenda said...

April, I am afraid I already won the crown. I am not sure if it was handed to me on the day i left my daughter at the tae kwon do studio...(she was playing in the dressing room and I forgot I brought her with me!) or when I told my son I would beat him within an inch of his life. You know I have tried to blot out those winning moments because believe me, there are a lot of them. I hope you can do the same.
PS...I believe the word butthead when spoken in a french accent with the first syllable emphasized more predominately is truly defined as...sweet one. Try explaining that to your child when used in the future. :)

Becky said...

It is apparent that most of us feel we are the "Mother of the Year" and that you would narrowly slide in second or third.

I win the "Christian Mother of the Year" award for my recent behavior in the CHURCH parking lot. My daughter had on her heelies and was zipping across the parking lot at night (picture the cars running over her?) and I screamed..."Get back here you idiot!" Oh yeah, just a matter of time before they ask me to lead a women's study on self control.

Oh, and Mother of the Year is only given to those who are married to Father of the Year...and let me just say that my DH once sat in front of the tv watching "Flipper" with our kids and rewinded over and over a certain part of the was so he could master the Austrailian accent perfectly when using the phrase "You Butt-faced Wombat!" Needless to say, that phrase has been repeated by most of my children.

Thanks Honey.