Monday, March 24, 2008

You Know Who You Are

An open letter to the mothers whose children attend the snobby school at the end of the street leading to my place of work:

Dear Fellow Mommies:

I realize it is very unfortunate for my sake that my day ends at the exact moment that your children's school dismisses for the day. However, during these past fourteen months of daily attempts to pass your school in an effort to pick up my own children at a school just as pretty as yours, it has become evident to me that your Mamas never taught you the Golden Rule and how it also applies to your behavior when behind the wheel of your over-priced and pretentious SUV. It may come with a fancy emblem on the hood, but I guarantee you the deed to the road is not in the glove box and was not included in the sticker price. No really, you can check for yourself.

Therefore, I feel I should let you know out of the goodness of my heart and our solidarity as women, that it is considered very kind and gracious to allow another car to get in front of yours so that it may exit the area. I realize it is not the popular thing to do, and the other mommies in your neighborhood may wonder if you have been skipping your therapy appointments, but other drivers like myself, who have nothing to do with the school but have the misfortune of being stuck in the same spot for sometimes 22 flipping minutes due to the traffic exiting the parking lot, will appreciate you and remember you in their prayers because you were brave enough to bestow upon them one small moment of kindness in this crazy, selfish world.

It is entirely unnecessary to practically rear end the car in front of you for fear that I will indeed burrow my way ahead and beat you to Nordstrom. I am just trying to accomplish the same task you are in the process of, picking my children up on time.

I know you can see me behind your shiny black Chanel sunglasses. Staring straight ahead and sticking your enhanced nose in the air while you run your acrylics through your highlighted extensions doesn't fool anyone. Acknowledging my presence is not going to kill you, or worse, get you blackballed from the country club. Consider it a charitable act for the day. Just please, please, please let me in.

And when I am waiting in the mile long line to turn left at the stop sign, and I graciously allow you in front of me as you are trying to exit the parking lot, it is generally considered polite to respond to my generosity with a wave. It doesn't have to be a full on excited flurry of fingers and palm and bending elbows, just a hand in the air will be sufficient. If your hand is too weighed down by the five carats it is forced to bear the burden of, then I completely understand. In this case, a nod will do just fine. However, I am sure your personal trainer would agree that the recognized wave could be considered part of your strength and toning regimen when done on a regular basis.

I am not asking you to be my friend, or where you and your daughter got your matching Birkin bags. I am just asking you to be a decent human being. And maybe even an example to your kids. Mmmkay?


A frustrated mother who is just like you, only less expensively dressed


bbunch said...

You crack me up! Thanks for the laughs.

Becky said...

Am I so far behind the "it" crowd that I don't know what a Birkin bag is? Sheez.

It can be so painful to realize that you have backslidden from Chic to geek. (Middle aged geek, at that.)

Medicating with food now.

Matt said...

you crack me up cousin! i haven't read all your posts, but i plan to... that hooters comment by cade was hilarious. i miss you guys!

ginger said...

just wanted to let you know your blog has brought me to tears the good way :) thanks.

aschmoel said...

LMFAO....This reminds me of my old neighborhood and waiting in a drop off/pick up line at a school my child did not even attend! After the day I had, thanks for the smile!!

btw...I have been thinking about you non-stop!