Can you hear that? Be really quiet. Lean in really close to your monitor. Listen carefully. Can you hear it? Do you know what that is? That is the sound of a quiet house, my friend! Yes! I am currently sitting in a house without children! And it is my house! I am totally alone in my own house! This morning I packed up those little rambunctious monkeys and took them to my mom and dad, who - get this - volunteered to take them! Ha! Suckers! So now I have three days and three nights with no kids! I know Dude! Admit it, you are soooooo jealous!
The bummer part is I still had to go to work today, and then again tomorrow. But Uberman and I are both taking the day off Friday. I know! Who knows what kind of crazy shenanigans we will get involved in!
So I will admit, after work today, I did go a little Britney-like crazy with my new found freedom. Yes, I went nuts! I decided since I didn't have to go home, and I didn't have anyone who needed to be at baseball practice, the late afternoon was going to be all about me. Are you ready for this? Guess what I did? I went to Starbucks. And not the drive through either, Dude. No, I was in full on mommy rebellion! I parked my big bad SUV, marched through that beautiful, fingerprint-free glass door, inhaled that intoxicating sent of over priced coffee, blew the dust off my Starbucks gift card and confidently ordered my grande non-fat, no whip mocha. Check me out! And because I had all the time in the world, I sat down while the prepubescent barista was making it. While I was sitting, I did the following: a) stared into space b) eavesdropped on other people's conversations (oh shut up, you do it too) and c) stared into space. It was Heaven.
But the fun did not stop there, oh no. After I had that non-fat, no-whip mocha in my hand, I walked two doors down to the Blockbuster, where I proceeded to take my time browsing through each and every movie, sipping my coffee without a care in the world. Not once did I have to tell anyone to stop touching things. Not once did I have to ask someone to quit whining. Not once did I have to say no to renting an inappropriate video game. And not once did I have to explain for the billionth time that even though it was called "Trainspotting," the movie had absolutely nothing to do with looking for cool trains. Sheesh.
After selecting four movies (oh yeah baby, f-o-u-r!), I decided to keep this party going: I went to the car wash. Yes, I really did. And I sat and read an entire magazine in the 45 minutes it took to wash my filth-mobile. I will confess, they had to run my car through the washer TWICE. How embarrassing. But do you know how completely awesome it was to step into a clean car with absolutely no fish crackers in the seats or on the floor? Again, Heaven! And to top it off, the dude opening the door for me actually called me miss instead of ma'am. Do you see the glorious benefits of running errands without kids? And oh yeah, I totally gave him an extra dollar with the tip. I mean it was everything I could do to keep from giving him a kiss.
My last stop was the craziest of all: the grocery store! Again, not such a bad place when there are no little people with you asking for every artificially flavored, colored and sweetened thing they see. I did witness a woman completely losing it with her toddler in the parking lot. I almost shouted over to her, Ha ha!! My mom has mine! But instead of gloating, I gave her a reassuring smile. No need to judge this woman, we have all been there even though we swore we wouldn't. And then I called my mom as I left the parking lot to tell her thank you again for giving me some time to myself. She asked why I didn't go get a pedicure, but I explained I needed to pace myself so I didn't experience funlag. That would suck.
So now I am home. Groceries are put away. There is no homework to correct, no one needs a bath or shower, and I don't even have to cook dinner if I don't want to. The house is making the occasional creaky sound I never noticed before. Maybe it's in shock from the lack of noise it needs to contain. Who knows? But I am totally enjoying the sweet, melodic sound of . . . nothing. I think I'll go read a book. Without pictures or iambic pentameter. Check. Me. Out.