I've been doing some spring cleaning. And before we go any further, someone needs to revive my mother in law because I am pretty sure she just lost consciousness.
Aaahhh, I love the smell of a toilet bowl full of Pine-Sol on a beautiful spring day. There is nothing better than a fresh, clean, clutter free home. At least that's what I hear anyway. But I do love the rare occasions when my house is spotless (usually before a party). And I always swear I am going to keep it like that. But before you know it, there are papers scattered all over the kitchen counters, toys littering the living room, and dust bunnies doing the polka in the corners.
The following conversations have actually happened in my home:
Conversation 1 - The New TV
Visitor: Did you get a new TV?
Me: No, we've had the same one for years.
Visitor: Really? No, I am sure you got a new one since the last time I was here.
Me: You were here a month ago. That is the same TV.
Visitor: But the picture looks different. So bright and clear.
Me: Oh, I just cleaned the grimy hand prints off of the screen.
Visitor: Oh, yes. That's it.
Conversation 2 - The Carpet
Uberman: What happened to the carpet?
Me: What do you mean?
Uberman: It looks different. Faded or something.
Uberman: All over.
Me: I don't see what you are talking about.
Uberman: Look right here, didn't it used to have orange flecks in it?
Me: Oh, yeah. Those were fish crackers. I vacuumed.
Uberman: Oh. Is my mom coming over?
Conversation 3 - We've Been Robbed!
Junior: What happened in the kitchen?
Me (Worried): What do you mean? Oh no, what happened?
Junior: All our stuff is gone.
Me: What stuff?
Junior: All the papers on the counter, our toaster, the dishes! Where did everything go?
Me: Oh, I put it all away. And cleaned the counter tops. Doesn't it look nice?
Junior: Why? Is Granny coming over?
One of my favorite cleaning products is the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. What the heck is this thing? I have checked the box and there is no list of ingredients. So you know what that means. Whatever it is, it can't be good. In five years I am sure they will be comparing the side effects of it to those of napalm gas, but until then, I am taking my chances. When Boo scribbled all over my brown suede chair with a black sharpie, Mr. Clean worked his magic and bibbity bobbity boo, good as new. And the four year old will now be able to see age five. You see? Magic!
Mr. Clean is now the other man in my life. I don't know if it's that sexy bald head or those big bushy eyebrows, but I spend a lot of time thinking about him while I am scrubbing toilets and floors, trying to figure out ways to keep our relationship fresh and exciting. So I have come up with a few product ideas for my boyfriend. Fingers crossed, these products will soon be heading to a store near you:
Mr. Clean Magic Muffin Top Eraser (available separately or in combo with next product)
Mr. Clean Magic Cottage Cheese Dimple Eraser
Mr. Clean Magic Debt Eraser (Sign me up for the product testing!)
Mr. Clean Magic Inappropriate Comment Eraser (I would have to buy this one at Costco)
Mr. Clean Magic Grudge Eraser (available at Christian bookstores)
Mr. Clean Magic Pimple Eraser (available at Sephora)
What I really think he needs to come out with is a Mr. Clean Magic Highlighter. You can sprinkle it on the overflowing bag of trash waiting by the back door. The effects will be so blinding there is no way your spouse/partner/whatever can claim they didn't see it. Which is a total BS excuse anyway, don't you agree? I mean come on, he can tell you from the nose bleed seats at Chase Field if Brandon Webb just pitched a split finger fast ball, change up or curve ball, but he can't see the heaping mounds of trash accumulating in his own kitchen? He can tell you who fouled Steve Nash a week before it happened but he can't see his wet towel on the floor? Or how does he remember the stats of almost every guy who played in the major league since he was born, yet he can't remember what day of the week the trash gets picked up? Whatever, that's a whole other topic for a different day.
What about you? How can Mr. Clean work his Magic for you?