Thursday, March 20, 2008

Can I Get Some Fries With That Shake?

I was stopped at a light the other day, at an intersection that is not part of my usual route home, but that's a long and very boring story so lets just get to the point. I just so happened to be stopped in front of an entrance to the parking lot of a strip club. And out of curiosity, I started counting the number of cars in the parking lot of a strip club at 3:13 in the afternoon. Eleven. Eleven. There were more cars at the strip club at 3:13 on a week day afternoon than at the Sonic across the street. And it was happy hour at the Sonic, for crying out loud. (Becky, you can get useless brown water for 95 cents from 2-4!! With that righteous Sonic Ice! And a splash of Vanilla! Score!)

Then I watched a group of men coming out of the black double doors (of the strip club, not the Sonic). Now I realize I am a girl. Who lives in suburban Arizona. And has some pretty conservative values. And kind of a sheltered view of the world around her. But I always thought someone coming out of a strip club would look more like, oh I don't know, Pee Wee Herman's mug shot? Or, say, a guy named Sylvio or Paulie Walnuts? Or even a group of drunk idiots who just got accepted into the best frat on campus. But these guys? They looked like a group of investment bankers. Or accountants. Or English Lit professors. Whatever, it completely blew my whole "only creepy guys go to strip clubs in the middle of the day" theory.

Then I noticed the marquee for this place. It read "Wedensday $1.99 all u can eat lunch buffay." No I swear to God, it really did. So at least I was able to hold onto my "only stupid people update marquees for strip clubs" theory. I made a mental note to drive the kids by to show them what their career path could be if they did not go to college.

So I got to thinking. If you're a guy at work, how does "Where should we go for lunch today?" end up with "Dude, I totally feel like burgers and boobies. Let's go to the strip club!" I am seriously curious. And how good can the food possibly be at a place where the focus is not the food? I mean, I've been to Chuck E. Cheese and the pizza sucks. And how many health codes are being violated when people are in the buff around the buffay? Seriously, when I was a waitress at Coco's, we had to wear our hair back in a secure pony tail and we weren't even allowed to wear nail polish, let alone glitter and body oil. Has the Department of Health relaxed their standards that much in 18 years? And how awkward is it to be eating a plate of chicken fingers while someone is trying to give you a lap dance? Is there etiquette or protocol for situations like this? I really want to know.

I called Uberman at work.

Me: Have you ever been to a strip club for lunch?
He: No, but the one down the street has prime rib on Tuesdays.
Me: Is it any good?
He: I don't know, let me ask Joe*. Hey Joe*, how's the Tuesday prime rib at that place down the street?
Muffled voices.
He: He says it's okay but it ain't the Sizzler.
Me: Okay, see you at home. Love you.
He: Love you, bye.

Wow. Joe* has some low expectations.

I guess this is just another example of how vastly different men and women really are. Women would never go to a male strip club for lunch, even if they served the best chicken walnut sandwich in town. Even if they had a variety of fresh, big salads with homemade bleu cheese dressing. Even if they had an all you can eat dessert buffay with a freaking chocolate fountain. It's one thing to admire the cute waiters at the Cheesecake Factory, but if they start dancing around us in banana hammocks while we are trying to enjoy a nice lunch and grown up conversation, I'm never going there again. I don't care how good that Tuxedo Cheesecake is.

I love being a girl.

*Names have been changed in order to protect privacy. Joe's wife would kick his ass if she knew he was at a strip club for lunch.

1 comment:

Becky said...

Can we all give you photos of our hubbies and have you do some recon on your way home? Just curious of any of those investment banker types who eat at the "buff"ay live with me and pretend to be my morally upstanding, conservative husband. LOL

By the way, I could never eat at the female version of this joint...I already am the one who always gets the hair in her food...but the curly hair would send me to the nut house.