We're not calling them resolutions.

Things I want to do in 2012:

Finish the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series.

Read the Hunger Games series. Before the movie comes out.

Make strawberry jam.

Make some of these cute reusable grocery bags. Or these.

Find a new comforter for my bed. Possibly redecorate my room.

Organize my jewelry.

Cook and bake and have fun in the kitchen. Find at least 6 new recipes to make regularly for my family.

Get hooked on Mad Men. (Thank you Netflix!)

Give up something for Lent. Something really difficult. Like chocolate. Or sugar. Or Pinterest. Or Words with Friends. (I know, that last one had me laughing too. There is NO WAY.)

Write letters to people I love telling them why I love them. Real letters. That you send through the mail and not electronically. I know, right?

Make these bookmarks.

Start Christmas shopping early. Like in July.

Make a calendar of Items To Do each month. Things that need to be cleaned, organized or made.

Go to San Francisco with Ken and Dee.

Save money to buy myself a Le Creuset French Oven in Fennel.

Make these flowers.

Give up Grey's Anatomy.

Write more. Not just here, but finish projects I have been working on.

Get the kids' pictures taken. Nice ones.

Make more of an effort to spend time with our parents.

Figure out a way to grow herbs.

Get rid of a bunch of stuff I no longer want/need/use.

Forgive. Get over it. Move on.

The Lucky 33 meme I stole from my friend Chris. Because I'm lazy like that.

Happy New Year!!! And who doesn't need a little luck to ring in 2012? I know I sure do. So thank you Chris! Not that I have not had any inspiration, I just haven't had a whole lot of time to sit and blog like the good old days (I started this post on December 20th. Yeah.). But never fear, I am not giving up. I am not a quitter. As long as you all want to keep reading my mindless word vomit, I will continue posting here. God help us all.

And away we go a-meme-ing (I totally just made that up on the fly. I am so clever....)

1. Can you cook? Both my grandmas were from the south. So that would be a resounding hell yeah.

2. What was your dream growing up? To get the hell out of Utah. Mission accomplished.

3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I was a good dancer.

4. Favorite place? London England. Disneyland. My bed.

5. Favorite vegetable? Not much a veggie fan. I'll eat salad all day long, does that count? And I love artichoke hearts. That counts, right?

6. What was the last book you read? The Help. And sadly I have been reading Mini Shopaholic for a year. I put it down, I pick it up, I read a few chapters and put it down again. I miss reading.

7. What zodiac sign are you? Virgo. Shut up. I know.

8. Any Tattoos and/orPiercings? My ears are pierced a million times, but that's it. I want a tattoo on my foot but Ubes' says no. And I'm an obedient wife. I know! I couldn't even type it with a straight face! I'll be giggling at that all day. But really, he does say no. But I think I'm scared of the pain. And also Hepatitis.

9. Worst Habit? Swearing. It's so not lady like. I'm also a MAJOR procrastinator.

10. Do you personally know anybody who has a Blog? Yes, LOTS of people.

11. What is your favorite sport? Shopping. Specifically, shoe shopping.

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? I consider myself a cynical optimist.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in a lift (elevator) with someone of the opposite sex? It wouldn't really matter what sex they were, because I would be FREAKING OUT and hyperventilating and crying like a baby and therefore, totally unattractive. I hate elevators, and this is one of my biggest fears.

4. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I hate this question. Because no matter what I say, something worse has happened to others. I'm just thankful for the strength God gives me to overcome life's battles.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you: When I'm reading a book, I always skip ahead a few chapters to see what happens, and then I'll go back and pick up where I left off. I can't stand the suspense.

16. Do you have any pets? Yes, do you want them? Because they are assholes. (I should have listened to you about the puppies Karen.)

17. Do you know how to do the Macarena? I'm proud to say NO. But I kick ass at the Hustle and I can Frug like there's no tomorrow.

18. Is the sun shining where you are now? I have no idea, I'm in a cubicle. But there's lots of God awful fluorescent light accentuating every pore, hair and imperfection in my face.

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Neither. But I don't like them.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Nothing. Once you start changing stuff, you never stop. If I could change anything about myself, it would be to stop picking myself apart and start accepting the way things are. Imperfections and all.

21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? It would be depend on what you wanted to do. I'm not going to jail for anyone.

22. What color eyes do you have? Bluish-greenish. Are we talking about the dark circles too? Because those are a nice purpley-silver.

23. Ever been married? Yes. It's going well. But in my next life, I don't think I will. I think I'll just be a big whore.

24. Bottle or Draft? Draft. Mostly for economical reasons. I'm cheap.

25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Hmmm, well let's see. 10,000 pounds is what? Like 6000 bucks? Not a lot you can do with that. I'd by my husband some brewing equipment.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? Ice Breakers Cubes in peppermint.

27. What's your favorite bar to hang at? I don't hang in any bar. But in my next life, look out. Big whore coming to town.

28. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. This is why.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Wouldn't you like to know. Actually, I like to sleep. I like to watch TV (currently loving Breaking Bad and can't wait for the return of The Walking Dead.)

30. Do you swear a lot? Duh.

31. Biggest pet peeve? This question could keep us here all day. So I'll just pick a few. I hate it when people make noises when they eat. I seriously want to hit them. And I don't enjoy it when someone wants to know your whole life story but they don't tell you a thing. That's just rude.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Awesome.

33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Confidently Awesome.

A letter to Target

Dear Target,

I love you. Worship you really. I have contributed lots and lots of money to your cause. And when I say cause, I mean I support the fact that you sell stuff. I like to buy stuff. But I'm cutting back on that because when you move, you have to move the stuff you like to buy. And that sucks. And although I don't plan on moving again soon, I still need to stop buying stuff. But that's not why I am writing to you today.

I am writing to you because I think it's very important that you know something. You know the guy who writes the ads for your website? Well, he's an asshole. And here's why: Last minute sale?? Really??

Excuse me very much but according to my calendar, it is December 8th. We still have 17 days until Christmas. That is almost three weeks. That is not last minute in my book. I mean good Lord. I don't even have my tree up yet. I have been busy. Did you not just hear me tell you I moved?? I still have unpacked boxes. In the house. For crying out loud. Why are you stressing me out? Why are you making me feel like I have to run out to your stupid store and start buying more shit?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is that what you want?? Are you trying to KILL me, Target?? Because I would appreciate it if you would just do it quickly. Like raise the price of my Neutrogena pink grapefruit acne wash. Or discontinue carrying my favorite pens. Because that would break my heart right there. Don't be so damned passive aggressive about it with your stupid bold red and green letters. Like "Oh we're trying to be Christmassy but we want to make sure you know you are running out of time." Like I don't know I'm falling behind??? Like I'm not aware that I have not baked one thing?? Like I can't look around my house and see that I have not wrapped one gift?? I have only bought 3 gifts. Like I don't pass the post office and know I'm not mailing Christmas cards?? I'm not even hosting Hunko Drunko Bunco this year. Because I know, Target. Ok? I. Know.

I don't need you and your stupid website reminding me that I am a complete failure at life and all things holiday related. You can take your big red bulls eye and stick it up your urgent, stress creating, impatient ass. I'm done with you.

I've got 17 days. And I am going to enjoy them. And I won't be spending them or my money with you. So take that Target. Who's getting kicked in the balls now? Hmmmm???

That's what I thought.

Happy Holidays,

April, former Target shopper

Is anyone still reading this crap?

Hello?? Is anyone out there?
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Do you remember me? I'm April. I used to write stuff. You guys would come here and read about my life and kids and that guy I'm married to. I would tell you random stories about my daily encounters with stupid people. I talked about shoes. A lot. And food. I like food. And Daniel Craig. I made fun of people pretty regularly. It was some good times.
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And then I got really busy with my kids and my job and my extracurricular activities (ie, Pinterest and Words with Friends) and I stopped writing as often. And then I just stopped all together.
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And then I missed you.
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I got really grumpy because I wasn't channeling my creative juices properly. But I had a lot to say and not the right words to say it. You know? Are you feeling me? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
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Honestly... I think I got a little depressed. Gasp.
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I know. Shocking.
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But in the last few months I have experienced some MAJOR changes. All without medication.

So here is what has been going on....
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Ubes and I moved. Downsized. Majorly.
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Ubes and I discovered we have a lot of shit.
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Ubes and I vowed to stop buying so much shit.
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Ubes and I became eternally grateful for our amazing friends who helped us move. (Bud, Diane, Brooke, Jovina, Erin and Kim. We love you. Thanks for helping us with all of our shit.)(Yes, we have a friend named Bud. How bad ass are we?)
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I switched jobs. Same company. Different job, different boss. The jury's still out on that one.
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Ubes and I went on the Cruise of Awesomeness with 13 friends. Fun times were had by all. There was dancing. There was karaoke-ing. There was a lot of eating (three words: bacon mac & cheese). There was laughing. Someone broke their toe. Someone did the white man's overbite. A lot. It was definitely awesome.
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Ubes and I went to Colorado for 6 days to train at a brewery. It was by far one of the best vacations we have ever had. We are in full force pursuit of our dream. It is both scary and exciting.
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I closed the door on a 20 year friendship. It was heartbreaking. But it was the best decision for me at this time in my life. I harbor no hard feelings and wish this person nothing but the best. But this relationship was not bringing anything positive to my life. It hurts to let go of history like that. But a friendship shouldn't be such hard work. People grow apart. People change. Maybe it was me. But if I don't think you are a positive contribution to my life, then I am certain I am not a positive contribution to yours. It sucks. But sometimes it's necessary to weed the garden. There are some weeds that look like flowers. But the stems are full of thorns. And that's all I'm going to say about it.
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My oldest son is taller than I am. He wants to be an architect. I have a hard time distinguishing the difference between his voice and his father's.
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My middle child won his school's spelling bee. And an award for outstanding character. And showed me how to work my new iPhone.
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My daughter lost one of her top teeth. This weekend she will be the flower girl in Ubes' youngest cousin's wedding. She has announced her official retirement as a flower girl. She wants to go out on top of her game. She is also asking Santa for silver sequined Uggs. And please Santa, no knock offs. She may be eight, but she's not stupid. Mmmmkay?
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And we're all caught up. I'd like to write more often. I'll see what I can do.

Perspective

Email from me to Uberman:

So today started out awesome. I had an obscene call as soon as I sat down. This guy wanted me to talk about different products we offered so I asked what type of product was he interested in. He said "Just tell me about my options." So I start talking about the differences in personal and business and he starts going "Oooooh, oh. Oh. Oh." So I stop. And I knew something was not right. So I said "Sir, what are you looking for? Specifically." And he says "I'm just looking for something that sounds good to me." Weird right? But it's 5:00 in the morning and I am still not fully awake and these east coasters are odd ducks, so I start talking about products again and he starts with the "Oh" noises and so I stopped talking again. And he says "Oh no, don't stop." So I told him he was making me uncomfortable and I hung up. I feel like I need a shower. So how is your day?

Reply from Ubes:

My day is worse. I just got a call from a telemarketer. Asking about my internet. I feel so violated.

And Oprah thinks she's so cool....

So you guys have all heard me talk about my friend Jovina. She's probably reading this so everyone say "Hi Jovina!"

(Hi Jovina!)

Well Jovina and I have been friends for like forever. More than 10 years. And of all my friends, I think Ubes is most likely to fantasize about Jovina. Not only because she is gorgeous, but because she is super duper organized. The girl has rubbermaid containers up the wazoo. And everything is alphabetized. She's amazing. Plus she is crafty as heck. (Like how I am trying not to use swear words? Jovina is super sweet and never ever uses bad words. I should be more like her.) Jovina sews and she makes fun crafty things, and she always has the latest and greatest in scrapbooking and craft supplies. All in designated rubbermaid containers.

(Stop rolling your eyes Jovina, you know it's true.)

But anyhoo, Jovina came up with this idea last year to hold an annual Favorite Things Party. You know, like Oprah. She invited something like 40 women to her house on a Sunday morning and asked them each to bring 2 favorite things. One of your favorite things was supposed to be a give away, that way every person who attended the party left with something fun. The point was to give other people fun ideas for holiday gifts, etc.

It's been a huge hit. We have had so much fun at these parties and you would not believe the amazing ideas people have.

So this year, Jovina wrote to the fine people at Purple Cows and told them how much she loved their laminator and how she was using it as one of her favorite things for her annual party. And guess what??? They sent her THIRTY laminators to give away.



Whaaaaaaaaaaat???

I can't tell you how much fun it was, standing in front of all those women with our best Oprah voices shouting "Everyone gets a LAMINATOOORRRRRRR!! You get a laminator! And YOU get a laminator!!"

They also sent several products to give as door prizes! How cool are the people at Purple Cows? They made 30 moms, most of whom are crafty, some are teachers, some are even homeschoolers, very very happy. I want to buy more stuff from them just because they went out of their way to do that for us.

Here we are with our new laminators. How happy is this crowd? That's me (wearing glasses) in the front on the left. Jovina is the gorgeous redhead in the mint green shirt four people to my left.

So check out Purple Cows when you have a second, they are awesome. I just added their Melt Craft Iron and Gem Setting set to my Christmas list. I can't wait to start blinging everything I own. But don't stand still next to me. I will laminate you. You have been warned.

Let's talk about being a mom...

So last week I kind of started something on my Facebook page. It wasn't a fight or anything, but it did kind of become a heated discussion between me and a few others off line. And I rarely discuss topics here that can be deemed controversial or that can spark conflict, but this started conversations that I think are good, regardless of whether or not you agree with me.

So Thursday afternoon I was watching the new Anderson Cooper talk show. Sarah Jessica Parker was on talking about her new movie, in which she plays a woman struggling with her responsibilities as a mom, a wife and an executive. So of course Anderson, God bless him, starts asking her if the movie mirrored her life as a working mother. And SJP then starts talking about how difficult it is to be a working mom.

Really?

Well I have to tell you, I really wanted to punch her in the face.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not doubting that it is difficult for her, I am sure it is. But her difficult and my difficult and almost any other working mother's difficult, are like talking about life on two different planets.

Why do we do this as a society? Why do we take a celebrity and make them a spokesperson for normal people?

When I had just given birth to Junior, Cindy Crawford had also recently given birth to her oldest child. And I remember watching her on a talk show where they introduced her as "Super Model turned Super Mom." And I wanted to throw a dirty diaper at the TV.

Now I am not trying to sound bitter. I am just saying COME ON!

You know who is a Super Mom? My mother. She raised me by herself for 13 years. She got pregnant at 17, made a very difficult decision to raise a child when she was still a child herself, and worked two, sometimes three jobs to put food on the table and clothes on my back. She had no help, other than my grandma who took me for the weekend occasionally. And this all happened in Utah. Not exactly a friendly environment for a young, single mother. My mother also knows how difficult it can be to be a working mother. She missed a lot, yes. But I never missed a meal, I always had new clothes when school started, and had excellent grades.

Being a mother is not easy, regardless of your circumstances. There's that constant doubt. Am I doing too much for them? Am I doing too little? Am I hugging them enough? Am I sheltering them too much?

And when you throw a full time job into the equation? It can be heartbreaking. I have missed honor roll assemblies, class parties and field trips. I have had to take them to my mother in law's house when they were sick because I couldn't miss work. I've forgotten to check homework and sign permission slips and send in treats for the class. I've had to tell one child they couldn't attend a birthday party because another child was asked to attend one first and I can't be in two places at once.

Something tells me SJP may not know what that is like.

Now please don't misunderstand. I am not complaining about being a mother. It is the greatest thing that I do. All three of my children were prayed for, planned and celebrated. And I was very lucky to have been able to stay at home with them when they were little.

But I sucked as a stay at home mom.

I was not any more organized or focused on my job as a mother. And like I said, although I am very thankful for the time I had as a stay at home mom, I always felt like I was missing something. I missed human contact. Grown up conversations. I would follow Ubes around the house when he got home from work telling him all about Oprah and Rosie and All My Children and "Ohmygod Babe, you would just not believe the sexual tension between Bob the Builder and his assistant Wendy. It is palpable."

And most of all, I missed the annual performance evaluation. I really wanted Uberman to sit me down and say "Okay Babe, you have exceeded expectations saving money and using coupons. However, I think folding the laundry is a major opportunity for improvement."

What can I say, I need affirmation.

And I am about to tell you something that a lot of working mom's don't want to admit. It's kind of a secret. You will be shocked and you may think differently of me....

Are you ready?

Are you sure??

Okay... Here goes....

(deep breath)

I LIKE HAVING A JOB.

(gasp)

I know, right?!?!? I like working. I want to work. I actually enjoy it. I like having a time and a place and a task that is all mine. I like having something to focus on outside of home and kids and marriage and bills and family and cleaning and organizing and all that other stuff. I like the sense of accomplishment when I achieve something great. I like it that it is all about my contributions and not about my personal life. I like that it is up to me to achieve whatever I want. And you know what? A paycheck every two weeks that helps my family and my financial situation is pretty cool too. Call it an escape if you want to, I don't really care. I like to work.

I am not knocking the stay at home moms. If you can stay home and you can put all your focus into being the CEO of your household, more power to you. All I know is, THIS works for us. I am so lucky that I can be home when my kids get home from school so I can still correct homework and make sure everything is ready for the next day. And thank God Ubes is here when they leave in the morning to make sure everyone is wearing clean clothes and their teeth and faces are clean and their hair is combed and they all have their backpacks and lunches.

I hate the constant fight between stay home moms and working moms. Either way, you are a mother. And that is the hardest job there is. Do what works best for your family. And OWN it. Don't feel guilty about what you have chosen. The most important thing is to be the best mom you can be. Savor that time with your kids. And don't beat yourself up when you can't be there.

Kids are resilient. I should know. I was one.

And for crying out loud, if you need a spokesperson for motherhood, choose someone within your own family or group of friends. Or your neighbor down the street who has all the kids in the neighborhood at her house at any given moment and makes the best brownies in the world! Don't pick a celebrity who is not living in real life.

Or even better. Choose yourself. You be that spokesperson for being a mom. I want to hear what you have to say.