Wednesday, May 1, 2013

We're just going to pretend like I haven't been AWOL for almost a year, mmmmkay?

(So I started this post a week ago... Funny to see how things have changed in the matter of 7 days... Just keep that in mind as you read this.)

My work life is miserable right now. MISERABLE.

Almost a year ago, I moved to the night shift as a favor. Just to fill in while other people were being trained. It was just temporary. Or so they said...

My temporary stint was supposed to be up in September. And then September came and went and I was still there. We were too short staffed at night, they needed me, blah blah blah. So my time was extended to December. December came and went. And then I was told I could go back to a normal shift in February.

No dice.

And then finally! A light at the end of the tunnel!! I would be released to the daylight in June! Fo sho. Mo fo.

Last week two people got fired and one person quit. And if you know anything about word problems, you know this means April isn't going anywhere.

So now I will apparently be able to return to a day shift in August. Whatever. You know why they call it the graveyard shift? Because that's where your career goes to die. Guess who's been job hunting?

And you guys would not believe my new cubie. Have you ever had a really bad roommate? Like Rhys Ifans in Notting Hill bad?

Spike: "There's something wrong with this yogurt."
Will: "That's not yogurt. It's mayonaise."

Well my cubie is THAT bad. She never shuts up. Ever. Can you imagine how bad it must be if I'm the one complaining about someone who talks too much? I will literally turn my back and put headphones in and she will just keep talking. And even more annoying, she'll start tapping me on the back and shoulder to get my attention so I'll listen to her stupid stories about her cat. Or the duck swimming in her pool. Or her juvenile delinquent teenagers.

And the noises she makes when she eats! The crunching. The lip smacking. The chomping. Oh. My. God. She is eating a lollipop right now while I type this to you and I am about two seconds from killing her. AND the person who passed out lollipops to help keep us awake. I don't want to be that asshole who tells her boss she has to move because her cubie has no manners. I am going to lose my mind.

Speaking of weird people at work...

There's this lady that I see occasionally. I don't work directly with her, I just see her in the hall or passing by. I've had friendly conversations with her about the weather or whatever. But we aren't friends, you know? So all of the sudden she started calling me Jennifer.


"Hi Jennifer! Long time no see," she says.

And for some reason, I never correct her. I just wave and say hello and keep walking. I guess I don't want to embarrass her by telling her my name isn't Jennifer.

And then one day all of the sudden she asks about my mom.

"How is your mom doing? Did you guys have a nice lunch the other day?"

Um..... What?

So instead of saying "Lady, what the hell are you talking about?" I just nod and say thank you and keep walking.

"Hey Jennifer, where did you say you got those pretty shoes you had on the other day?"
"Hey Jennifer, how do you like your new car?"
"Hey Jennifer, how was your vacation?"

There must be some cute chubby girl walking around this place who looks just like me. And this crazy lady thinks we are the same person. And they're having small talk about the weather and stuff. And Jennifer sure sounds like she's got a pretty cool life right now. Vacation. New car. Pretty shoes. And I'm so miserable.

"Hi Jennifer! Long time no see," she said as I came in to the office the other day. "Hey, I've been meaning to ask. How is your cat?"
"My cat?" I asked, not hiding my confusion.
"What did the vet say?" She looked so concerned. I took a deep breath before I answered.
"She died. We're getting a puppy. I never really liked cats anyway. Have a great day!" And I bounced up the stairs.

I need to get the hell out of here. Stat.

(UPDATE: The day after I wrote this I received a call regarding a position I applied for three months ago at another company. I assumed I wasn't being considered since I had not heard anything. I interviewed a few days later and they offered me the position yesterday. I turned in my resignation last night. And tonight my current employer counter offered with a promotion and a new schedule. I have not made a decision yet. I hate big decisions. Being a grown up sucks. I am sure this is the karma I get for telling the crazy lady Jennifer's cat died.)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Brewing up some mischief....

So Ubes and I are starting a brewery. We've talked about this for a while, but we are now in full force biz start up mode. Dude. This is not for the faint of heart. Starting a new business kinda sucks. We feel like we're totally bipolar. One minute we're like "THIS IS AWESOME!!!" And two minutes later we are all "OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING!!!" Sigh.

But in the end, it will pay off. I know with one hundred percent of my heart, this is what we are meant to do. Getting all the money together has been the hardest part. We had a little money saved, nothing huge, but enough to get us started. We also have a couple of people who believe in us and our concept and are willing silent investors. But to bridge the gap, we have decided to use a fundraising platform called Kickstarter.

Kickstarter allows creative projects to see donations from friends, family and total strangers. You can check out our Kickstarter page here. There's a cute video of us talking about our business and how we will use the money. Please take a minute to check it out, and even more.... if you can... Please think about backing our project. We will take any amount. A $10 donation will get your name on our Wall of Mischief permanently! You will be a part of our hearts and history forever.

We only have THREE days left!! Our goal is $30,000. We have almost $10K right now, and a good friend of ours came forward and said he would give us the last $10K if we made it to $20,000. We need to make TEN THOUSAND in three days. I may be totally naive, but I know we can do this! So please help if you can.

I can't tell you enough how much we appreciate it. We've received donations from all over the world. More than half of the donations we have received are from total strangers. It's shocking. Overwhelming. Incredibly humbling and beautiful. These people are making our dreams come true. We are so thankful. We both have been moved to tears on numerous occasions. This experience has been so much more than fundraising. It has shown us what a community can do, and helped us realize what we want to do for a community.

We can't wait to make Mischief with you.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

"Yes, I'm back." "So I smell." (Come on! Who can name that movie?)



Is anyone still here?

Well I guess I'll just start. I've been busy. And I absolutely HATE that excuse with the biggest burning passion. There is someone in my life who says that shit to me at least once a week and I want to take off my blinged out flip flop and slap her with it.

"Why didn't you text me back?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so busy."
"Really? Too busy to send me a two second text that says 'OK'?"

Because no one is that busy. Right? So let's all just band together and stop using that lame ass excuse.

Here's the truth. I haven't written for many reasons.

1. The little time I've had to actually write has been spent watching Friends reruns, playing words with friends and scramble with friends, working on our new business, and the general day to day stuff I have to do like be a mom, a wife, a responsible dog owner, etc.

2. I haven't had a whole lot of nice things to say. I'm still super pissed about some stuff and I want to vent about it but one of my BFF's, Miss J Dubb, says I need to just let it go. And I hate letting stuff go. No really. I'm a hoarder.

3. I've been kinda sad.

There I said it. I'm struggling with sadness. Okay? I'm just sad about the way a lot of stuff is going. My job pretty much sucks. Ubes and I are trying to start this business and it's hard. I know no one said it would be easy, but it's really hard. I'm sick of thinking about money. Wouldn't you love to wake up and NOT have money be the first thing on your mind? And I'm not even talking about being rich or being comfortable. I'm talking about just being able to know there's enough to help you reach your goal. But that's a story for a different day.

So anyhoo.... Enough of all that. Let's focus on what is good and what is exciting. I have LOTS of stuff to tell you guys. LOTS! But we'll spread it out a little because who wants to sit here all day reading about my stuff when you have shit of your own to do, right? I mean we are all so busy! (Seriously, without sarcasm, I would have zero personality.)

So Ubes and I are in full force starting this brewery. I'll save that talk for another day because there is seriously so much I want to tell you! It's a very exciting and very heart wrenching process.

I have had this overwhelming desire to be creative lately. I've wanted to sew and craft and paint and cook. I'm dying to make jam! I just need to go get the damn strawberries and DO IT. Freaking Pioneer Woman and her obnoxiously addictive show and cookbooks and shit. If I didn't love her so much I'd hate her.

I've been saying 'shit' a lot. And a lot worse. Ubes is not happy. But my BFF Beth thinks it's hilarious when I swear. I have no idea why.

I have a new boss. My 5th in two years. I need a new job.

Last month I had the most amazing opportunity to meet my friend Sue in person!! Ubes and I were in San Diego for the Craft Brewers Conference and I had one whole day to myself while he was taking a yeast class (I know, right?) so Sue and I met for lunch and made a day of it. And I have to tell you, she's an absolute DOLL FACE. We had the best time! I felt like I had known her my entire life. We laughed and laughed and talked and talked. It was THE BEST DAY EVER! And I have missed her ever since I got home. I want to walk down the street to her house and sit at her kitchen counter and tell her all my problems and listen to hers. I love you Sue. Thanks for being my friend.

On Mother's Day I hosted a brunch for my girl friends and it was so wonderful we are making it an annual tradition. These girls are my life vest. Without them I would be rocking in the corner in the fetal position. I love you Erin, Brooke, Jess, Diane, Catherine, Kim, Wendy, Amy, Becky, Katie, Jovina, Flint! Thank you for putting up with all my shit.

That's it for now. I'm sooooooo busy. :)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

We're not calling them resolutions.

Things I want to do in 2012:

Finish the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series.

Read the Hunger Games series. Before the movie comes out.

Make strawberry jam.

Make some of these cute reusable grocery bags. Or these.

Find a new comforter for my bed. Possibly redecorate my room.

Organize my jewelry.

Cook and bake and have fun in the kitchen. Find at least 6 new recipes to make regularly for my family.

Get hooked on Mad Men. (Thank you Netflix!)

Give up something for Lent. Something really difficult. Like chocolate. Or sugar. Or Pinterest. Or Words with Friends. (I know, that last one had me laughing too. There is NO WAY.)

Write letters to people I love telling them why I love them. Real letters. That you send through the mail and not electronically. I know, right?

Make these bookmarks.

Start Christmas shopping early. Like in July.

Make a calendar of Items To Do each month. Things that need to be cleaned, organized or made.

Go to San Francisco with Ken and Dee.

Save money to buy myself a Le Creuset French Oven in Fennel.

Make these flowers.

Give up Grey's Anatomy.

Write more. Not just here, but finish projects I have been working on.

Get the kids' pictures taken. Nice ones.

Make more of an effort to spend time with our parents.

Figure out a way to grow herbs.

Get rid of a bunch of stuff I no longer want/need/use.

Forgive. Get over it. Move on.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Lucky 33 meme I stole from my friend Chris. Because I'm lazy like that.

Happy New Year!!! And who doesn't need a little luck to ring in 2012? I know I sure do. So thank you Chris! Not that I have not had any inspiration, I just haven't had a whole lot of time to sit and blog like the good old days (I started this post on December 20th. Yeah.). But never fear, I am not giving up. I am not a quitter. As long as you all want to keep reading my mindless word vomit, I will continue posting here. God help us all.

And away we go a-meme-ing (I totally just made that up on the fly. I am so clever....)

1. Can you cook? Both my grandmas were from the south. So that would be a resounding hell yeah.

2. What was your dream growing up? To get the hell out of Utah. Mission accomplished.

3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I was a good dancer.

4. Favorite place? London England. Disneyland. My bed.

5. Favorite vegetable? Not much a veggie fan. I'll eat salad all day long, does that count? And I love artichoke hearts. That counts, right?

6. What was the last book you read? The Help. And sadly I have been reading Mini Shopaholic for a year. I put it down, I pick it up, I read a few chapters and put it down again. I miss reading.

7. What zodiac sign are you? Virgo. Shut up. I know.

8. Any Tattoos and/orPiercings? My ears are pierced a million times, but that's it. I want a tattoo on my foot but Ubes' says no. And I'm an obedient wife. I know! I couldn't even type it with a straight face! I'll be giggling at that all day. But really, he does say no. But I think I'm scared of the pain. And also Hepatitis.

9. Worst Habit? Swearing. It's so not lady like. I'm also a MAJOR procrastinator.

10. Do you personally know anybody who has a Blog? Yes, LOTS of people.

11. What is your favorite sport? Shopping. Specifically, shoe shopping.

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? I consider myself a cynical optimist.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in a lift (elevator) with someone of the opposite sex? It wouldn't really matter what sex they were, because I would be FREAKING OUT and hyperventilating and crying like a baby and therefore, totally unattractive. I hate elevators, and this is one of my biggest fears.

4. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I hate this question. Because no matter what I say, something worse has happened to others. I'm just thankful for the strength God gives me to overcome life's battles.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you: When I'm reading a book, I always skip ahead a few chapters to see what happens, and then I'll go back and pick up where I left off. I can't stand the suspense.

16. Do you have any pets? Yes, do you want them? Because they are assholes. (I should have listened to you about the puppies Karen.)

17. Do you know how to do the Macarena? I'm proud to say NO. But I kick ass at the Hustle and I can Frug like there's no tomorrow.

18. Is the sun shining where you are now? I have no idea, I'm in a cubicle. But there's lots of God awful fluorescent light accentuating every pore, hair and imperfection in my face.

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Neither. But I don't like them.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Nothing. Once you start changing stuff, you never stop. If I could change anything about myself, it would be to stop picking myself apart and start accepting the way things are. Imperfections and all.

21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? It would be depend on what you wanted to do. I'm not going to jail for anyone.

22. What color eyes do you have? Bluish-greenish. Are we talking about the dark circles too? Because those are a nice purpley-silver.

23. Ever been married? Yes. It's going well. But in my next life, I don't think I will. I think I'll just be a big whore.

24. Bottle or Draft? Draft. Mostly for economical reasons. I'm cheap.

25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Hmmm, well let's see. 10,000 pounds is what? Like 6000 bucks? Not a lot you can do with that. I'd by my husband some brewing equipment.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? Ice Breakers Cubes in peppermint.

27. What's your favorite bar to hang at? I don't hang in any bar. But in my next life, look out. Big whore coming to town.

28. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. This is why.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Wouldn't you like to know. Actually, I like to sleep. I like to watch TV (currently loving Breaking Bad and can't wait for the return of The Walking Dead.)

30. Do you swear a lot? Duh.

31. Biggest pet peeve? This question could keep us here all day. So I'll just pick a few. I hate it when people make noises when they eat. I seriously want to hit them. And I don't enjoy it when someone wants to know your whole life story but they don't tell you a thing. That's just rude.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Awesome.

33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Confidently Awesome.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

A letter to Target

Dear Target,

I love you. Worship you really. I have contributed lots and lots of money to your cause. And when I say cause, I mean I support the fact that you sell stuff. I like to buy stuff. But I'm cutting back on that because when you move, you have to move the stuff you like to buy. And that sucks. And although I don't plan on moving again soon, I still need to stop buying stuff. But that's not why I am writing to you today.

I am writing to you because I think it's very important that you know something. You know the guy who writes the ads for your website? Well, he's an asshole. And here's why: Last minute sale?? Really??

Excuse me very much but according to my calendar, it is December 8th. We still have 17 days until Christmas. That is almost three weeks. That is not last minute in my book. I mean good Lord. I don't even have my tree up yet. I have been busy. Did you not just hear me tell you I moved?? I still have unpacked boxes. In the house. For crying out loud. Why are you stressing me out? Why are you making me feel like I have to run out to your stupid store and start buying more shit?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is that what you want?? Are you trying to KILL me, Target?? Because I would appreciate it if you would just do it quickly. Like raise the price of my Neutrogena pink grapefruit acne wash. Or discontinue carrying my favorite pens. Because that would break my heart right there. Don't be so damned passive aggressive about it with your stupid bold red and green letters. Like "Oh we're trying to be Christmassy but we want to make sure you know you are running out of time." Like I don't know I'm falling behind??? Like I'm not aware that I have not baked one thing?? Like I can't look around my house and see that I have not wrapped one gift?? I have only bought 3 gifts. Like I don't pass the post office and know I'm not mailing Christmas cards?? I'm not even hosting Hunko Drunko Bunco this year. Because I know, Target. Ok? I. Know.

I don't need you and your stupid website reminding me that I am a complete failure at life and all things holiday related. You can take your big red bulls eye and stick it up your urgent, stress creating, impatient ass. I'm done with you.

I've got 17 days. And I am going to enjoy them. And I won't be spending them or my money with you. So take that Target. Who's getting kicked in the balls now? Hmmmm???

That's what I thought.

Happy Holidays,

April, former Target shopper

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Is anyone still reading this crap?

Hello?? Is anyone out there?
Do you remember me? I'm April. I used to write stuff. You guys would come here and read about my life and kids and that guy I'm married to. I would tell you random stories about my daily encounters with stupid people. I talked about shoes. A lot. And food. I like food. And Daniel Craig. I made fun of people pretty regularly. It was some good times.
And then I got really busy with my kids and my job and my extracurricular activities (ie, Pinterest and Words with Friends) and I stopped writing as often. And then I just stopped all together.
And then I missed you.
I got really grumpy because I wasn't channeling my creative juices properly. But I had a lot to say and not the right words to say it. You know? Are you feeling me? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

Honestly... I think I got a little depressed. Gasp.

I know. Shocking.

But in the last few months I have experienced some MAJOR changes. All without medication.

So here is what has been going on....

Ubes and I moved. Downsized. Majorly.

Ubes and I discovered we have a lot of shit.

Ubes and I vowed to stop buying so much shit.

Ubes and I became eternally grateful for our amazing friends who helped us move. (Bud, Diane, Brooke, Jovina, Erin and Kim. We love you. Thanks for helping us with all of our shit.)(Yes, we have a friend named Bud. How bad ass are we?)

I switched jobs. Same company. Different job, different boss. The jury's still out on that one.

Ubes and I went on the Cruise of Awesomeness with 13 friends. Fun times were had by all. There was dancing. There was karaoke-ing. There was a lot of eating (three words: bacon mac & cheese). There was laughing. Someone broke their toe. Someone did the white man's overbite. A lot. It was definitely awesome.

Ubes and I went to Colorado for 6 days to train at a brewery. It was by far one of the best vacations we have ever had. We are in full force pursuit of our dream. It is both scary and exciting.

I closed the door on a 20 year friendship. It was heartbreaking. But it was the best decision for me at this time in my life. I harbor no hard feelings and wish this person nothing but the best. But this relationship was not bringing anything positive to my life. It hurts to let go of history like that. But a friendship shouldn't be such hard work. People grow apart. People change. Maybe it was me. But if I don't think you are a positive contribution to my life, then I am certain I am not a positive contribution to yours. It sucks. But sometimes it's necessary to weed the garden. There are some weeds that look like flowers. But the stems are full of thorns. And that's all I'm going to say about it.

My oldest son is taller than I am. He wants to be an architect. I have a hard time distinguishing the difference between his voice and his father's.

My middle child won his school's spelling bee. And an award for outstanding character. And showed me how to work my new iPhone.

My daughter lost one of her top teeth. This weekend she will be the flower girl in Ubes' youngest cousin's wedding. She has announced her official retirement as a flower girl. She wants to go out on top of her game. She is also asking Santa for silver sequined Uggs. And please Santa, no knock offs. She may be eight, but she's not stupid. Mmmmkay?

And we're all caught up. I'd like to write more often. I'll see what I can do.