Heaven on Earth

Okay you guys. So yesterday I went to Hobby Lobby. Have you heard of it? A new one just opened in my 'hood and everywhere you go people are talking about it. There is a hum in the air from people saying "Hobby Lobby" over and over again. So I stopped by to see what all the fuss was about.

Oh my dear friends. Let me tell you. It is GLORIOUS.

It's like a Michaels or Joann combined with a Kirkland. Like all the cool home decor stuff at Marshalls and TJ Maxx mixed in with craft supplies. I know! I'll give you a minute to digest the fabulousness (is too a word) because it can be overwhelming....

Okay. Are we ready to proceed? Do you need a tissue?

So I was on the phone with my mom when I walked through the doors. And it was like one of those moments where your ears start to close and you feel like you are in a tunnel. And then there was this beautiful sparkly bright light and angels were singing and I swear to God I saw Jesus. He was waiving at me from the ribbon aisle.

"Oh my God, Mom," I said breathlessly into my phone. "I'm at Hobby Lobby. I have to go. I can't breathe."

"Where are you?" she asked.

"Hobby Lobby! I can't talk to you. I need to concentrate. Oh sweet Baby Jesus, there's a whole room full of yarn!" And with that I hung up on my own mother.

Yes people. It is that fabulous. It will make you be rude to your loved ones.

I walked around in a complete daze. I didn't know what to do, where to go, what to look at, where to focus my energy. Everything was just so shiny! And fifty freaking percent off! I KNOW!! So I basically just walked around and stared into other people's carts.

"Ooooh," I would say as I passed them. "What are you buying??"

And guess what? Apparently some people don't like that. So yeah. I was that weird girl at Hobby Lobby. Whatevs. I was too overwhelmed by the gloriousness (Is too a word. Yuh-huh.) to care what other people thought.

I walked up and down each aisle, staring at crystals and rhinestones, beading kits, scrapbooking supplies, paper, cake decorating kits, picture frames and stuff to make your own picture frames! Oh my, I am getting all verklempt just thinking about it!

And then! And then I turned left and found myself wandering down an aisle with shelves full of fancy wall decor. Signs and wrought iron swirly thingies with finials and fleur de lis. A framed picture of a golden crown! Fit for a Queen! Fifty percent off!! And excuse me very much for telling you this, but I totally had an orgasm.

I'm sorry. Was that TMI? Are we still friends? Yeah, I may or may not have been asked to leave after that.

Anyhoots. Get your bad selves to Hobby Lobby. At the very least, look it up on the Google. It rocks. Plus it's totally fun to say. Hobby Lobby. Hobby Lobby. Would it have the same effect if it were called Hobby Attic? Hobby Room? Hobby Closet? Nay, I say. Nay. Part of the magic is all in the name. Those marketing people are wicked smart picking a name that rhymes. Hobby Lobby Hobby Lobby Hobby Lobby. It's like sweet music in my ears!

Oh you guys! My face is all flushed and my palms are all sweaty and my heart is palpitating! Palpitating I tell ya!! I am so in love!! I can't wait to go back to Hobby Lobby and hug it and kiss it and stroke its soft cheeks! I'm totally going back this weekend because I didn't even have the chance to look at the fabric before they kicked me out because I ran out of time. Yes! I said fabric!

I'm outta here. If you need me, you know where to find me. I just hope security lets me back in the store...

What I am and what I definitely am not.

The past few days have been interesting to say the least. The last few months, really. I am not trying to be secretive or anything but there is a lot I just can't talk about here. A lot of stuff going on at work. Which is funny because when we are there we are supposed to be working. That's why they call it work. It's not called gossip. You are supposed to show up, do your designated job (aka, work) to the best of your ability and then go home. On payday you are rewarded for your efforts. The end.

That's the way it's supposed to be, at least. In my case it has turned into High School Part Two. Only to be honest, I never had it that bad in high school. This kind of sucks.

But I refuse to let this situation define me. I refuse to let it carve my path and decide where I go from here. Because this is not me. This is not who I am. Her view of me is obstructed by jealousy and personal issues and bullshit. Excuse me, but sometimes there are no other words to accurately describe what an object is. And this one is bullshit, plain and simple. And the jealousy is so completely unfounded it makes me sick.

So don't you dare presume to know who I am when you don't. When you have never made the effort. When you are so completely wrapped up in yourself that you can't see anything else that is going on around you. If you want my opinion, ask me for it. If you want to know how I feel or what I see or what I say, ASK ME. Don't assume you know what I think. Because unlike you, there are more layers to me beyond the superficial.

If you knew me, you would know who I am. What I am. And what I am not.

I am strong. Your words are not going to break me down.

I am confident. Your opinion of me is not going to change the way I feel about myself. I know who I am.

I am loyal.

I am kind.

I am determined and persistent, ambitious and optimistic.

I am good at what I do.

I am loud and sarcastic and occasionally inappropriate. But my heart is ALWAYS in the right place.

I can be stubborn and tough and occaisonally unrealistic with my expectations. But
I will never expect something from you if I don't expect it from myself.

I am generous and forgiving, gracious and compassionate.

I am complicated.

I am not stupid. (I know where Jamaica is, okay?)

I am not blind.

Or deaf.

Or incapable of getting my feelings hurt.

I am not shallow or simple.

I am not insensitive or cruel.

I am not a shrinking violet who will allow you to walk all over me.

I am not oblivious of my faults and I am not afraid to admit my imperfections.

I am not afraid to apologize when I am wrong.

And I, most certainly, am not afraid of you.

Unlike you, I will learn from this experience. I will find some value in it and I will grow from it. And I will move on. Because that is what grown ups do. We keep moving forward.

Unfortunately for you, this will only make me stronger.

This will be the last time I discuss this. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the tension and the hostility and the emotional after effects. Just had to get it all out and now I am done. And I already feel better. Sometimes you have to throw up, you know?

Best and Worst

The worst things about working with a bunch of women...

.... Someone will always want to compete with you.
.... Someone will always be worried you are talking about them.
.... Someone will always be talking about you.
.... Someone will always be over evaluating every word that comes out of your mouth.
.... Someone will always be obsessed with American Idol.
.... Someone will always feel left out.
.... Someone will always be offended by something you said or did.
.... Someone will always have better hair than you do.
.... Someone will always drink your Diet Pepsi that was in the fridge with your name clearly marked on it.
.... Someone will always have/love/create more drama than the Lifetime network and every Nicholas Sparks book combined.


The best things about working with a bunch of women....

.... Someone will always notice when you are wearing cute shoes or carrying a new purse.
.... Someone will always have gum.
.... Someone will always want to organize a potluck.
.... Someone will always be crazier than you are.

As you can see, the cons far outweigh the pros. Feel free to add to both lists. Let's see how many we can come up with.

Random thoughts on a Saturday while I am stuck at work....

.... Have you watched the show Man V. Food? Basically this guy travels all over eating the largest dish a restaurant has to offer. Like once he ate a pizza that was three feet in diameter. The WHOLE pizza. Another time he ate an 84 ounce steak. Last night he was eating a cheeseburger with 15 patties, 4 kinds of cheese and a pound of bacon. Good Lord Almighty. Are any of us going to be shocked when this dude drops dead of a heart attack in a few years? I have never once seen him eat a big salad. Ever. How is he even getting health insurance? The liabilities here are overwhelming. I understand about wanting to be famous and all but holy chili dog, how about wanting to be alive? Can I get an amen?

.... Birds freak me out. Have you ever sat and watched one up close? We have these big black ugly birds that hang around outside the bank. I have no idea what kind they are because I don't really care. All I know is that they are big, ugly and creepy. I hate the way they jerk their little heads around. It's not normal. And their big nasty bird feet. Jeez, it's giving me the willies just thinking about them. Their nasty beaks and beady little eyes. Plus all the germs and diseases they carry. Yuck. I mean I don't know for sure they carry disease and germs, but they look like the would because they are so creepy. I don't understand how people are fascinated by birds, either. "Oooh look! A hawk!" Ooh look! Someone who doesn't give a rats ass. Birds are creepy little buggers. No thanks.

... Speaking of wildlife near the bank, we have a family of jack rabbits that live in the bushes near the buliding. For real, I am totally not making this up. Now the bank is not out in the sticks, you know. It's smack dab in the middle of the suburbs of Phoenix in a busy shopping center for crying out loud. So the other morning I was pulling into the parking lot and a bunny comes running out in front of my car. I slam on the brakes and the guy behind me almost rear ends me, but I am not about to commit bunnycide, you know? So this stupid rabbit is just sitting in the middle of the road staring at me and I am sitting behind the wheel of my car like a moron going "shoo bunny! Shoo!!" and waving my hands like a freak. Finally the stupid little bunny hops away. But wouldn't you think if a bunch of rabbits were going to inhabit a busy shopping center parking lot they would develop some freaking street smarts? Stay out of the road, dumb ass and stick to the bushes. Right? I mean I don't think I am being unreasonable here.

... Do you guys watch Community? (Wow. I just realized that all I ever do on this blog is talk about TV, food and animals I dislike.... Hmmm... Note to self: Get a flipping life.) Anyway, you know the girl who plays Britta? The cynical little blonde chick? Do you guys think that's her real nose? Because it is really unfair if it is. It's perfect. Like my friend Kristen S. She has the most adorable nose I have ever seen. (Yes you do! Stop shaking your head at your computer, you look like an idiot. An idiot with an adorable little nose.) Seriously, if you are friends with me on Facebook, look up Kristen S and you will agree with me. Hands down, best nose of all my friends. But the chick who plays Britta? Best nose on TV.

... Speaking of Facebook.... (hmmmm... TV, food, animals I dislike and Facebook. This is baaaaadddd...) Some old friends keep posting pictures from our church camp days. At first it was cute. And now it's just plain pissing me off. I think it kind of sucks how people can tag you in pictures without your approval. I realize you can untag yourself, but is that rude? I don't want to be rude. I would rather just be pissed off and talk about them behind their backs. What? It's not passive aggressive if you own up to it. Check your Psych 101 books. You know you still have them. What? You mean I am the only one who keeps stuff like that?? Seriously???

.... Maybe I should look into therapy. Note to self: Find out if therapy is covered under insurance...

... Earlier this week our little Boo was grounded for the first time in her 6 years. She got into an argument with Mac and "accidentally" punched him. And Ubes took away the things she loves most - her iPod and watching movies on Netflix. When I came home from work that evening she told me what happened in her sad little voice. So I asked if she understood why daddy took those things away. And she said yes, we have a house rule of no hitting. Suddenly she looked up at me with sheer horror in her eyes. "Mommy!" she said with her hand over her mouth "Does that mean I can't watch Project Runway?" And now you see why I love this kid. She is perfect. Even if she occasionally gives her brothers a beat down.

Peace out peeps.

A Glimpse: My Week

Yeah. So....What's new?

I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I haven't posted in over a week. Thought you might like to see what I have been up to. So here is a glimpse....

The smartest thing I did this week -
 Kept my mouth shut. I know. I can't believe it either.

The dumbest thing I did this week -
Snapped myself in the face with a rubber band. Don't ask. My job is straight up dangerous, yo. Like working on an oil rig or deep sea crab fishing. Or bottle feeding kittens.

My favorite song this week -
Hot Mess by Cobra Starship

Most ridiculous telephone conversation I had this week -
Me: Thank you for calling [Bank of Awesome], this is April. How can I help you?
Caller: Um, yeah... Where are you located?
What I wanted to say: We're on the corner of Get on Your Computer and Google Map It.
What I actually said: We are conveniently located on the south west corner of [Such & Such] Avenue and [This] Street in the [Fancy Overpriced Grocery Store] Plaza.
Caller: Wow, that's like really far. I need one closer.
(Long pause)
Caller: Hello? Are you still there?
What I wanted to say: Unfortunately yes.
What I actually said: Yes I am.
Caller (exasperated): Well, do you have a location closer to me?
Me: I am sure we do. Where are you??
Caller: Oh. Sorry. I guess you need to know that.
Me: It can be helpful.

Funniest conversation I had with one of my kids this week -
Me (poking junior in his big dimples): Junior, does it bother you when I do this?
He (laughing): No, you've always done that.
Me: So when you're really old -
He: Like 45?
Me: Um. Yeah. Old like 45.... Will you still let me do it?
He: Yes. Well . . . if you're still alive.

Weekly example that I am the greatest mother. Ever (actual email sent to teacher) -
Dear Mrs. Fourth Grade Teacher,

Mornings are crazy in our house. Are they crazy in yours? I mean I am a screaming psycho in the morning - "Get your shoes! Comb your hair! Where is your lunch? We have to GO!!!" I am always in a hurry and rushing the kids out the door.

Unfortunately, in my rush out the door this morning, I failed to sign Mac's folder and left it sitting on the counter. He tried to tell me, but being the incredible attentive mother I am, I shooshed him and pushed him out the door. (Gently of course.)

So please forgive him for not bringing in the folder today. He was very worried about missing recess and it is all my fault. And also, please make sure you spell my name correctly when you nominate me for mother of the year.

Thank you and have a fabulous day.

Biggest bummer of the week -
My iPod is stuck on shuffle. Usually I keep it on shuffle, but I think it's just pissing me off that I can't un-shuffle it, you know?

Most awesome thing to happen this week -
Made it to round two of interviews for a new job. Thank you Jesus. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

So that's what I have been up to. What have you been doing?

Oh and I forgot to tell you guys, my BFF Raia started a blog! Check it out here and give her some love. Peace out.

Post-Soup - Stuff that couldn't make a full post on its own

So we finally joined the 21st century and signed up for Netflix. I know! Can I get a hell yeah for not having to stand in line for Red Box?? And since we are so fancy and all, we can now stream movies through Netflix on our XBOX 360. Yes ladies, this little gaming console can benefit you as well. I spend hours paging through all the categories. Dudes. There is an ENTIRE category titled "British Dramas." That is like porn for me! And Ubes is already pissed that I have filled up our viewing queue with girly movies he is not interested in. "Babe," he says with resigned exasperation, "isn't it enough that both iTunes and Tivo think I'm gay??" Nope. Sorry, honey pie.

This week at work I actually had a woman ask me how to write the new year on a check. "You know how we would write '09' in the date for the year?? How do we right 2010? Is it oh-ten?" She was serious.

The Boy, my best girlfriend at work, has accepted a position with another company and will be leaving on Wednesday. I am sad. I know we will continue to be BFF, as he and his lovely wife Elizabeth have become good friends with Ubes and I, but still... He was kind of the glue holding me together in an environment that has become toxic and miserable. I do not blame him for leaving. But yes, I am extremely jealous.

I am looking for a new job. Sigh.

My boys have once again pulled it off and made the Principal's list (Junior) and the Honor Roll (Mac). They are amazing. I am such a proud mom.

I have recently discovered polyvore.com. I spent three hours looking at boots. Boots, people. Please don't blame me when you are not getting anything done because you are spending all your time on the latest fashion trends, okay?

My previous post was a bit of a downer. And the evening after I published that post, I went to Bunco at one of my BFF Erin's. And it was the opposite of everything I was complaining about. I am so happy I have such amazing women in my life! So thank you to Erin, Catherine, Mary, Brooke, Bex, Ames, Nicole, Kim, Jess, Katiekins, Flint, and Diane. Unlike the nasty people who inspired that post, YOU make me proud to be a girl. I love you!

And thank you, to all of the fabulous people I know who reached out to me after reading that post. Whether we know each other in person or not, you all make me feel good about being who I am. I appreciate every one of you.

And finally, my amazing Uberman has decided to go public with his bad ass beer blog. You can read it here. If you like beer, you will love this. (And you can read my fantabulous guest post. You are welcome!)

Druthers

I would rather be chubby and happy than deal with the mood swings that come with diet pills, skipping meals and being completely obsessed with the way I look.

I would rather spend time looking in the faces of others, getting to know people for who they really are, than to spend my time looking in a mirror.

I would rather be goofy and silly and laugh at myself than project some picture perfect image that is not real.

I would rather say I don't know than to pretend I do.

I would rather be that weird girl eating alone in her car than sit at a table with a bunch of vapid, gossiping, self absorbed women who have not realized they are no longer wearing their homecoming tiaras and chearleading uniforms.

I would rather go home to my family at night, to help my kids with their homework and listen to them talk about their day and get them ready for the next one than to sit in a bar with a bunch of people I have no desire to be friends with, listening to them talk about work even though the work day has ended.

I would rather spend my time with people who bring me joy. With people who lift me up. With people who go beyond the superficial. With people who don't ask me to play the game. Who aren't disappointed when I politely decline. With people who aren't jealous and insecure and petty and just plain mean.

I would rather have my life than theirs.

I would rather be me than any one of them.